Reticent Feelings

[Will]

This is poem I wrote about one of my best friends. It's a little cheesy, but it gets the point across. And I wanted to share this with someone because it's one of my first attempts, trying really hard, to write poetry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reticent Feelings

I sit by her daily,
Boisterous as ever.
Screaming, yelling, laughing,
Having fun;
She beside me,
Taking part in it.

**********

Driving, thinking...
About Her.
Those eyes as bright as ever,
That petite nose fit perfectly on Her.
The shape of Her face, an angel.
The soft curve of Her lips
As they part when She smiles,
Full and red and gorgeous.

Her hair, soft strawberry locks.
The slender, healthy look of Her face.
The freckles speckled across her nose and cheeks
A cherubim, a thing of absolute beauty.

Her long, slender neck leading to Her body;
Her shoulders, thin, round and perfect.
Her arms, willowy yet strong;
Her hands, long, lithe fingers
That wrap around anything She touches lovingly.

He skin, pale yet glowing with beauty,
Silky, supple it must be to the touch,
Emanating warmth I'm sure.

**********

Home again, bed...
She won't leave my head;
brazened on my brain,
There She stays.

I can't help but let my mind wander-
Off it goes to the land of pipe dreams.

We sit face to face,
Those blue-green eyes staring me down with love.
I brush back a capricious bang -
Fit it behind her ear.
Her hair like silk between my fingers.
My other hand in Her's,
Feeling the softness.

My first hand stroking down Her cheek,
Her hand on top of mine.
I coddle Her chin in my hand,
Gently leading Her head towards mine.
Her eyes closing slowly, and finally...
Her full lips meet mine,
Caressing mine, and mine Her's.
A flush of ecstasy flows through me and into Her.

The soft kiss ends,
And our foreheads meet.
We look into each other's eyes,
Gazing, longingly to be like this forever;
To be able to look at the intricacies in each other;
To feel this ecstasy for eternity.

And then He walks in -
And with Him reality.

I break from this haven
Sad and wont for the feel of her lips again.

Every time, He's always in there;
In the back of my mind - Her significant other.
I know they'll never break up.

I know She's happy,
And that's all I really want for Her;
But I can't stop thinking about her,
I can't stop thinking about her.

**********

How do you stop feeling for Her?
How do you not want Her after
All you know about Her?
How do you keep these feelings reticent,
Because you know it will only bring Her grief?
How do you not hurt your friends' feelings,
The both of which are happy?

Reticence, Oh! how I despise you,
And yet need you.

**********

These reticent feelings,
Stored in me, knowing they'll never
Be vocalized to Her.

All I want is for Her
To feel for me the way I do for Her.

Though I know the only
Feeling I can vocalize
Is my anguish.

 

[RonBee]

I have read your poem, but I don't have time for a complete critique as yet. In the meantime, for additional commentaries, go here: http://forums.about.com/ab-teenwriting3/start

 

[RonBee]

Commentary.

I sit by her daily,
Boisterous as ever.
Screaming, yelling, laughing,
Having fun;
She beside me,
Taking part in it.

Where do you sit near each other? What's with all the screaming and yelling? :wink:

Driving, thinking...
About Her.
Those eyes as bright as ever,
That petite nose fit perfectly on Her.
The shape of Her face, an angel.
The soft curve of Her lips
As they part when She smiles,
Full and red and gorgeous.

Where are you headed when you are driving and thinking about her?

"The soft curve of her lips", etc. is effective.

More later.

 

[Tdol]

I'd maybe put a semi-colon after 'when she smiles'. ;-)

PS, it should be 'petite nose fitS'. ;-))

PPS- Out of curiosity; has she read it?

 

[Will]

PPS- Out of curiosity; has she read it?

No, she hasn't, and, hopefully, she never will. :wink: [/quote]

 

[RonBee]

Her hair, soft strawberry locks.
The slender, healthy look of Her face.
The freckles speckled across her nose and cheeks
A cherubim, a thing of absolute beauty.

Her long, slender neck leading to Her body;
Her shoulders, thin, round and perfect.
Her arms, willowy yet strong;
Her hands, long, lithe fingers
That wrap around anything She touches lovingly.

The "soft strawberry locks" is good. I do have a problem with her "neck leading to Her body". Also, I think "anything She touches lovingly" is problematic. (There is no need to capitalize personal pronouns.)

More later.

 

[RonBee]

He skin, pale yet glowing with beauty,
Silky, supple it must be to the touch,
Emanating warmth I'm sure.

I think that section is rather problematic. I would delete it.

Home again, bed...
She won't leave my head;
brazened on my brain,
There She stays.

That's not bad.

:wink:

 

[RonBee]

I can't help but let my mind wander-
Off it goes to the land of pipe dreams.

That's good. "Off it goes to the land of pipe dreams" is not bad, but I would use a period there instead of a hyphen.

We sit face to face,
Those blue-green eyes staring me down with love.
I brush back a capricious bang -
Fit it behind her ear.
Her hair like silk between my fingers.
My other hand in Her's,
Feeling the softness.

The "staring me down with love" is a good phrase. That's effective writing.

8)

The words hers, his, its, ours, theirs, yours, and mine are the possessive pronouns. You should not use an apostrophe with any of them.

8)

 

[RonBee]

My first hand stroking down Her cheek,
Her hand on top of mine.
I coddle Her chin in my hand,
Gently leading Her head towards mine.
Her eyes closing slowly, and finally...
Her full lips meet mine,
Caressing mine, and mine Her's.
A flush of ecstasy flows through me and into Her.

I don't know what you mean by first hand. Perhaps where you put coddle you meant cradle.

The words hers, his, its, ours, theirs, yours, and mine are the possessive pronouns. You should not use an apostrophe with any of them.

8)

 

[RonBee]

The soft kiss ends,
And our foreheads meet.
We look into each other's eyes,
Gazing, longingly to be like this forever;
To be able to look at the intricacies in each other;
To feel this ecstasy for eternity.

I like the first part, but then it gets kind of muddled, especially the last two lines.

And then He walks in -
And with Him reality.

I break from this haven
Sad and wont for the feel of her lips again.

Why should things go badly? It's your dream.

Every time, He's always in there;
In the back of my mind - Her significant other.
I know they'll never break up.

I know She's happy,
And that's all I really want for Her;
But I can't stop thinking about her,
I can't stop thinking about her.

"I can't stop thinking about her" is good.

The rest of the way the poem seems to lose its focus. See if you can show your anguish the same way you showed your other feelings. Also, you might want to use an adjective besides "reticient" to describe your feelings.

8)

 

[Will]

And then He walks in -
And with Him reality.

I break from this haven
Sad and wont for the feel of her lips again.

Why should things go badly? It's your dream.

I was trying to express that even in my dreams, I can't really have her. The rest of the poem (the questions part - the part that's still really rough) should have cleared some of that up - why I couldn't have her in the dream.

The rest of your comments are appreciated. The ones regarding the possessive pronouns were probably the most helpful. I've always been a little confused on whether or not those should have an apostrophe or not. In answer to the lower casing (I know that doesn't sound right, but oh well) of the 'Her,' it's meant to show how really important she is to me.
Lastly, 'reticent' is there to show that I never really can tell her these feelings I have for her as long as she's happy with Him. I don't want our relationship as friends to be weird (not to mention I'm also good friends with her boyfriend), ergo I need to keep these feelings reticent.

 

[Will]

Sorry about that. Darn double posts.

 

[RonBee]

I don't want our relationship as friends to be weird (not to mention I'm also good friends with her boyfriend), ergo I need to keep these feelings reticent.

Try: hidden or unexpressed. Use reticent or shy to apply to people.

8)

 

[Will]

Ron, you used 'problematic' in describing a few passages of my poem. Namely, the one about her skin, and the line 'anything She touches lovingly.' I was wondering if you could expound that. Thanks.

 

[RonBee]

Ron, you used 'problematic' in describing a few passages of my poem. Namely, the one about her skin, and the line 'anything She touches lovingly.' I was wondering if you could expound that. Thanks.

Well, it is hard to comment on anything out of context, but if I said something was problematic I probably meant that I thought it should be rewritten. A person can touch something lovingly, but "anything She touches lovingly" struck me as a little odd. (Perhaps the love was in the eye of the writer and he was saying he would like to touch her.)