Seeing off yuan Er on Diplomatic to Anxi

[henz988]

Over the city of Xian Yang
Light dust was laid by the morning rain.
In the freshened colour of weeping willows
The guest-house by the road looks green.
Let's have another "bottoms up"
With each other.
When you go westwards out of the border pass,
You'll find no intimate, never!

Note:Wang Wei is a famous Chinese poet in Tang Dynasty. The poem describes the emotional hour of seeing the poet's friend off.

My questions:
1.What do you think of the English version of this poem? I mean Are the English words used in the poem like that of a masterpiece's?
2.Are there any lines worth improving?

Many many thanks in advance.

 

[Lynxear]

Over the city of Xian Yang
Light dust was laid by the morning rain.
In the freshened colour of weeping willows
The guest-house by the road looks green.
Let's have another "bottoms up"
With each other.
When you go westwards out of the border pass,
You'll find no intimate, never!

Note:Wang Wei is a famous Chinese poet in Tang Dynasty. The poem describes the emotional hour of seeing the poet's friend off.

My questions:
1.What do you think of the English version of this poem? I mean Are the English words used in the poem like that of a masterpiece's?
2.Are there any lines worth improving?

Many many thanks in advance.

The translation of ancient Chinese poetry is controversial at best. Their poems are rich in imagery as well as metaphor that is lost in time. The poems of Lao Tsu have been studied and translated for centuries with no one agreeing on their translation.

If this is your translation of Wang Wei, you have done a good job on the first 4 lines.

Over the city of Xian Yang
Light dust was laid by the morning rain.
In the freshened colour of weeping willows
The guest-house by the road looks green.

You paint a pretty picture with these words.

Let's have another "bottoms up"
With each other.
When you go westwards out of the border pass,
You'll find no intimate, never!

I don't like the use of the phrase "bottoms-up" here. I think "round" would be better. "Round" means another round of drinks in this context.

Also "intimate" seems out of place here too. These are two men, presumably, who are good friends...not lovers...though this is just a guess on my part. I think "camaraderie" would be a better word. Also using "....no..., never" is a double negative and sounds awkward to me.

This is my suggestion for the last 4 lines.

Let's have another round together.
When you go westwards
through the border pass,
You will find no camaraderie there.

Chinese poetry is fascinating but difficult to translate.

 

[henz988]

Thank you!