Some feedback please

Status
Not open for further replies.
A

abrilsp

Guest
Hi :)

How is the text below?

"Kevin, today is a very important day for you. I understand that you are a bit worried about going to school today. I know how you feel; it is the very first day of you going to a place where you do not know what to expect. You do not need to be worried whatsoever; it should be an excited day. It is normal for you feeling a bit anxious, but I am sure you will be fine during your time there. You should think of it, as the start of a new and interesting world; it is the door to new experiences and friends, something that will follow for the rest of your life.
Probably your main concern is that you do not know anyone, but the rest of the twenty students joining you are in the same position. At school, you will have an amazing time; you will play and learn. When you grow older, you will think of it as one of the best time of your life."

Thanks a lot,
abrilsp
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
abrilsp said:
Kevin, today is a very important day for you. I understand that you are a bit worried about going to school today.
That is good, but you will need to simplify the next sentence.

abrilsp said:
I know how you feel; it is the very first day of you going to a place where you do not know what to expect.
You need to simplify that. Try:
  • I know how you feel. You have never been to school before, and you don't know what to expect.

More later.

:)
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
abrilsp said:
You do not need to be worried whatsoever; it should be an excited day. It is normal for you feeling a bit anxious, but I am sure you will be fine during your time there.
You need to simplify that a little. Try:
  • You do not need to be worried whatsoever; it should be an exciting day. It is normal for you feeling a bit anxious, but I am sure you will do fine.

abrilsp said:
You should think of it, as the start of a new and interesting world; it is the door to new experiences and friends, something that will follow for the rest of your life.
  • You should think of it as a new an interesting world. You will have new experiences and make new friends.
abrilsp said:
Probably your main concern is that you do not know anyone, but the rest of the twenty students joining you are in the same position. At school, you will have an amazing time; you will play and learn. When you grow older, you will think of it as one of the best time of your life.

Probably your main concern is that you do not know anyone who will be at the school, but the rest of the twenty students who will be there are in the same situation. Some day you will look back on kindergarten as one of the best times of your life.

What do you think?

:)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top