Some funny ones

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Francois

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It tests your understanding too ;-)


Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you
A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.


FRC
 

Tdol

Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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Peter Cook's autobiography was 'Sadly, I was an only twin'. ;-)
 

Gee

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Chen Lee travelled by train from Dayton to Hamilton. In the same compartment, sitting opposite him, a GI was dozing.
All of a sudden Chen Lee stood up, hit the window and squawked.
The GI lifted up an eyelid and right away went on dozing.
Ten minutes later the same game took place.
And again every ten minutes.
At the end the GI said: What are ya doing?
Chen Lee: I DRIVE DRAGOON AWAY.
The GI: There are no dragoons here in the States, poor chap.
Chen Lee: IT PROVE IT WORK.

(Translated in current American : It proves it works. You must know that Chen Lee wants to speak English just as he speaks Chinese , i.e. no declension, no conjugation, no article…. because he thinks Americans have to become used to their upcoming invaders’ language.)
 

curmudgeon

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I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy
 

Ouisch

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You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil has to be lead.

It's a small world, but I'd still hate to have to paint it.

A horse walked into a bar (pub). The bartender asked him, "Why the long face?"

Rene Descartes was browsing over the menu at a restaurant when the server asked him, "Would you care for a drink before ordering?"
"I think not," he replied.
And *poof* - he disappeared.

The restaurant menu stated "Breakfast Served Anytime." I told the waitress, "I'd like waffles during the Renaissance."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

:)
 

Ouisch

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