Something for beginning writers

[RonBee]

Sentences
http://iws.ccccd.edu/cobb/sentences.html

Read that, and try the exercises.

 

[RonBee]

 

[smee1]

RonBee,
I'm ejoying dealing with the exercises you suggested. Do you have any other source of information of that kind? I´m keen at writing small essays, in the institution I´m taking courses on English they call them "compositions".
I was awarded a scholarship last term for one of them and I´m taking part in this term's edition of the contest.
If I sent you my work (it is only 250 words long), would you mind correcting it?
Thank you.
Jorge

 

[RonBee]

That is the only thing I have found like that that I can remember. (Cas posted it, so whe might know more.)

Compositions and essays are pretty much the same thing, except compositions do, I think, cover more territory.

It would be better, I think, if you posted your essay here. There is at least a chance that you would get more points of view that way.

Post something here, and give us a chance to comment on it.

(I think you meant to say short essay.)

 

[smee1]

RonBee,
The composition was about the 20th anniversary of continued democracy in my country. I'm not fond of political issues at all so I just tried to express my feelings.
(When I talk about "Those scarves of May Square" it is an institution which fight in favor of human rights here. It is called "Grandmothers of May Square" and they wear a distintive scarf over their heads during their demonstrations).
The composition is the following:

The Democracy We May Have

Many Argentines witnessed the rebirth of democracy in 1983.

It was that greatest time, when all of us were certain democracy would bring food, health and work, like a treble manna granted to our country by some kind of domestic God.

After 20 years we have left behind that naïveté and have just started wondering why our democracy must be guarded so that it renders what it was intended to yield.

We have learnt that democracy can take different forms which depend on peoples’ customs, geography and history, and, some of its features may change with the rise of new ideas, technological developments and coalitions between countries.

Therefore, we have a particular democracy which mirrors in some way who we really are.

It speaks about our values as well as our shortcomings and, seems to show that 20 years haven’t been enough for our reaching democratic maturity.

However, we can’t help feeling pride of having this freedom and those scarves of May Square that ensure the tyrants´ day won’t pass into oblivion.

These are the bedrocks upon which our place in the international community, as a modern country, is based.

It wouldn’t matter that our democracy isn’t working properly now if we acknowledged that we are still trainees in democratic practice.

It would mean we are aware that many pertinent questions should be asked and political discourse redeemed amongst youths so that we realize that our merely formal democracy is useless without allowing its spirit to drench our Argentinean behavior.

That's it; it was 250 words.
Regards

 

[RonBee]

RonBee,
The composition was about the 20th anniversary of continued democracy in my country. I'm not fond of political issues at all so I just tried to express my feelings.
(When I talk about "Those scarves of May Square" it is an institution which fight in favor of human rights here. It is called "Grandmothers of May Square" and they wear a distintive scarf over their heads during their demonstrations).
The composition is the following:

[quote"smee1"]The Democracy We May Have

That is an interesting title. It suggests that that democracy hasn't been achieved yet. Was that your intention?

Many Argentines witnessed the rebirth of democracy in 1983.

That is a good start, but you don't need to make it a paragraph all by itself.

It was that greatest time, when all of us were certain democracy would bring food, health and work, like a treble manna granted to our country by some kind of domestic God.

That's good.

After 20 years we have left behind that naïveté and have just started wondering why our democracy must be guarded so that it renders what it was intended to yield.

Also good.

We have learnt that democracy can take different forms which depend on peoples’ customs, geography and history, and, some of its features may change with the rise of new ideas, technological developments and coalitions between countries.

Also good. (Delete the comma after and.)

Therefore, we have a particular democracy which mirrors in some way who we really are.

I don't think you need Therefore there. Also, say in some ways. You probably don't need that at all, in fact.

It speaks about our values as well as our shortcomings and, seems to show that 20 years haven’t been enough for our reaching democratic maturity.

Try:

• It reflects our values as well as our shortcomings. Unfortunately, 20 years hasn't been enough time for us to reach our democratic maturity.

I am not sure what is meant by democratic maturity.

However, we can’t help feeling pride of having this freedom and those scarves of May Square that ensure the tyrants´ day won’t pass into oblivion.

• However, we can’t help feeling pride in having this freedom, and those scarves of May Square that ensure the tyrants´ day will never be forgotten.

These are the bedrocks upon which our place in the international community, as a modern country, is based.

Perhaps: "These principles are the bedrock upon which...."

It wouldn’t matter that our democracy isn’t working properly now if we acknowledged that we are still trainees in democratic practice.

It's a work in progress? You are still working on it?

It would mean we are aware that many pertinent questions should be asked and political discourse redeemed amongst youths so that we realize that our merely formal democracy is useless without allowing its spirit to drench our Argentinean behavior.

[/quote]

I would say questions need to be asked. I don't know what you mean by political discourse redeemed amongst youths. I like the line allowing its spirit to drench our Argentinean behavior, but it is a little vague. Do you mean that democracy in Argentina is still fragile and that democratic traditions there haven't had time to become established?

 

[smee1]

Dear teacher,

I’m pleased to see that you have caught my message. Democracy in these countries, I mean Latin American countries, is fragile and now is being threatened by corruption, pseudo-populist politicians; as once were the military dictatorships and now out of fashion in the region; and the international cartel of lenders. (forgive me for the latter I don’t mean to offend you)

I think that we need some more time to teach our children how to live democratically as you have been doing since 1776 ( I assume you as an American citizen or someone fond of them). We have already all the institutions which are necessary for achieving a good democracy but still there is something in our behavior, maybe something related to our education that hinders our will.

I won’t deceive you saying that Latin Americans set the example of honesty and hard work, we deserve to some extent the notoriety we have, as immigrants, in your country. These shortcomings keep us from reaching what we want and all Argentines know about this, that’s why we have to let democratic spirit turn our behavior into something fitter for democratic practicing.

The idea which revolves around my mind is that we are like children in these issues and need to grow up, this is why I speak about democratic maturity, we aren’t ripe yet. Because of this I said we are still trainees.

You know, there was a time when to speak about politics meant being almost out of law here so, our youth are afraid of doing it now as a self censorship. It was during military dictatorship (1976-1983). I think that this must be undone and talking about politics restored (I said redeemed).

None of my teachers noticed what you said about the title. I could have used “can” but I did it on purpose, I meant exactly what you said and I’m glad for that. It means that, possibly, I start to sharpen my English.

You haven’t said how you liked it.

Thanks a lot RonBee.
Regards.
Jorge

 

[RonBee]

You explained things quite well. It is certainly an interesting subject--one well worth pursuing.

The essay needs work in places, but I think you are well capable of perfecting it.

I live in Saint Louis, Missouri, which is near the confluence (where two rivers meet) of the Mississippi and Missouri rivers.

I might have more comments later.

Welcome to our friendly forum.

:hi:

 

[solace]

I discover this Website address by accident but I think it's very useful to me in practising my English and have chances to make acquanted with all of you. I am a beginner and are you willing to help me?
Thanks a lot!
:lol:

 

[RonBee]

I discover this Website address by accident but I think it's very useful to me in practising my English and have chances to make acquanted with all of you. I am a beginner and are you willing to help me?
Thanks a lot!
:lol:

You don't seem like a beginner to me. Yes, I think we can help. Welcome to our friendly forum.

(Say: "I discovered....")