Thank you for your help,and give me a hand:P

[SunnyLiu]

Dear Louis,
Thank you for your last advice, I learned much from it. But you revised too few .Can you have an overall revise for me? I have written another article for IELTS. Can you give me a hand?
Yours,
Sunny

TASK:
Some country allow women to join the armed forces, while some others think not such as navy, army doesn’t suit for women, do you agree or disagree?

WRITING:
There is clear-cut trend that, the development of modern society activities relied upon women more than ever before. Some countries allow women to join the armed forces, while others maintain that army doesn’t suit for women. For my part, I shared the former opinion and I give two major reasons to support my view.

Given more opportunities, women can proven themselves superior soldiers as a result of their conditioning and careful nature. Take it as a case in point is that the nursing job in army requires people who have patient, careful temperaments. Obviously, girls are better choice. Boys, in contrast, learn competitive roles far removed from what it means to nurture. Moreover, women join the army means , to a large degree, that they not only enjoy the equal rights as men and realize self-betterment, but also service for the country .

Modern army activities depend on not only the finance and technology support, but also remarkable and faithful members. Indeed, there are some women who do well in both IQ and EQ which are regarded as the decisive factor accounting for one’s success. Undoubtedly, it is high time for government paid more attention to these prominent women who are likely to be relied on to the arduous assignments.

Taking into account all these factors, we may reach the conclusion that it is understandable that women are necessary ingredients for armed forces.

 

[Tdol]

Dear Louis,
Thank you for your last advice, I learned much from it. But you revised too few .Can you have an overall revise for me? I have written another article for IELTS. Can you give me a hand?
Yours,
Sunny

TASK:
Some country allow women to join the armed forces, while some others think not such as navy, army doesn’t suit for women, do you agree or disagree?
Some countries allow women to join the armed forces, while others think that the forces are not suitable for women, do you agree or disagree?

WRITING:
There is a clear-cut (I'd just say 'clear trend') trend that, the development of modern society's activities relied relies upon women more than ever before. Some countries allow women to join the armed forces, while others maintain that the army is not suitable\appropriate doesn’t suit for women. For my part, I shared share the former opinion and I give two major reasons to support my view.

Given more opportunities, women can proven prove themselves superior soldiers as a result of their conditioning and careful nature. Take it as a case in point is (delete 'is') that the nursing job in army requires people who have patient, careful temperaments. Obviously, girls are a better choice. Boys, in contrast, learn competitive roles far removed from what it means to nurture. Moreover, women joining the army means , to a large degree, that they not only enjoy the equal same?rights as men and realize self-betterment (hmm, I'd change this- maybe Ron will be able to come up with a better choice, but I'd say something like better themselves') , but also service serve their country for the country .

Modern army activities depend on not only the delete the finance and technology technological support, but also remarkable and faithful members. Indeed, there are some women who do well in both IQ and EQ, which are regarded as the decisive factors accounting for one’s success. Undoubtedly, it is high time for time the government government paid more attention to these prominent women who are likely to be relied on to do the arduous assignments.

Taking into account all these factors, we may reach the conclusion that it is understandable that women are necessary ingredients a neceesary ingredient? for armed forces.

Ron will probably have some better suggestions to make,as he always does, but I've added some commentsin bold from my reading of it.;-)

 

[RonBee]

Dear Louis,
Thank you for your last advice, I learned much from it. But you revised too few .Can you have an overall revise for me? I have written another article for IELTS. Can you give me a hand?
Yours,
Sunny

I think you mean me, Sunny. :wink:

Say: "You revised too little."

Say: "Can you do an overall revision?"

TASK:
Some country allow women to join the armed forces, while some others think not such as navy, army doesn’t suit for women, do you agree or disagree?

Some countries allow women to join the armed forces, while other countries do not allow women to join the military. Do you agree or disagree that women should be allowed to join the military?

There is clear-cut trend that, the development of modern society activities relied upon women more than ever before.

I'm really not sure what you mean by that. Perhaps:

• In many aspects of society in which women once played no role, they now play increasingly important roles.

Some countries allow women to join the armed forces, while others maintain that army doesn’t suit for women. For my part, I shared the former opinion and I give two major reasons to support my view.

In the first sentence, although the idea seems to be to contrast one part of the sentence with the other, you do not do that. In the second sentence, you state that you agree with an opinon, but the statement you agree with is not expressed as an opinion.

Contrast one statement with the other, thus:

• Some people say women should be allowed to join the military, but other people say women should not be allowed to join the military.

Perhaps you could add:

• Those who disagree with allowing women to join the military say that women are not suited to military life.

Such terms as "former" and "latter" can be confusing, and, in my opinion, it would be best if you avoid using those terms in favor of being more explicit.

Given more opportunities, women can proven themselves superior soldiers as a result of their conditioning and careful nature.

Try:

• Given the opportunity, women are capable of becoming superior soldiers.

I am not sure what you mean by careful nature.

Take it as a case in point is that the nursing job in army requires people who have patient, careful temperaments.

Try:

• For example, the job of army nurse requires someone who is patient and has an even temperament.

 

[RonBee]

Given more opportunities, women can proven themselves superior soldiers as a result of their conditioning and careful nature. Take it as a case in point is that the nursing job in army requires people who have patient, careful temperaments. Obviously, girls are better choice. Boys, in contrast, learn competitive roles far removed from what it means to nurture. Moreover, women join the army means , to a large degree, that they not only enjoy the equal rights as men and realize self-betterment, but also service for the country .

• Given the opportunity, women can prove themselves to be superior soldiers. For example, the job of army nurse requires a person who is patient and has an even temperament. Women have the qualities required of nurses more than men do. Boys, in contrast, learn competitive roles far removed from what it means to nurture. Moreover, women who join the army enjoy rights and privileges equal to those of men. Thus, they not only serve their country but they better themselves.

What does being an army nurse have to do with soldiering?

Modern army activities depend on not only the finance and technology support, but also remarkable and faithful members. Indeed, there are some women who do well in both IQ and EQ which are regarded as the decisive factor accounting for one’s success. Undoubtedly, it is high time for government paid more attention to these prominent women who are likely to be relied on to the arduous assignments.

• Modern army activities depend on not only financial and technological support, but also on the loyalty and skill of those who serve. Indeed, there are some women who do well in both IQ and EQ, which are regarded as the decisive factors accounting for one’s success. It is high time that the government paid more attention to these capable women who can be counted on the accomplish arduous tasks.

Taking into account all these factors, we may reach the conclusion that it is understandable that women are necessary ingredients for armed forces.

• After taking into account all of their qualifications, I reach the conclusion that women are necessary ingredients for the armed forces.

What do you think?









[/quote]