The Man from Afghanistan

[Bassim]

Dear people

Please help me with this poem and tell me about my mistakes.


Yesterday I met a man from Afghanistan

with sad, dark eyes, by the way.

In the past he worked as an engineer

building bridges, canals, motorways.

Nowadays he wipe bottoms of the old Swedish men and women

doomed to their last days.


According to the norms he is well integrated

Works hard, pays taxes, never complains.

Old men and women do not know

he is Thomas Telford of Asia.

They call him names

Pizza baker

Parasite

Blackhead.

They are frustrated

They were promised much more than bed and mashed potatoes.

They never dreamed of an Afghan man.


I know how a refugee feels

We float lost in time, shackled by memories.

I asked him what he was doing when the pain was too strong.

"I buy frozen lamb from New Zealand " he said, "and marinate it in my tears

before grilling."

 

[David L.]

Re: Please proofread my poem

Yesterday I met a man from Afghanistan

with sad, dark eyes, by the way.

In the past he worked as an engineer

building bridges, canals, motorways.

Nowadays he wipes bottoms of the old Swedish men and women

doomed to their last days.


According to the norms he is well integrated

This is correct within the licence of poetry. By that I mean, in prose, it would be '...canals and motorways.' Mention it just for thoroughness for other readers of this post who are learning English.

 

[RonBee]

Re: Please proofread my poem

Nowadays he wipe bottoms of the old Swedish men and women

doomed to their last days.

Perhaps:

Nowadays he wipes the bottoms of old Swedish men and women

doomed to their last days.

​

 

[stuartnz]

Re: Please proofread my poem

" I asked him what he was doing when the pain was too strong.

"I buy frozen lamb from New Zealand " he said, "and marinate it in my tears

before grilling.""

I like this imagery, and not just because people buying NZ lamb are helping my country's economy. :-D

It's a very evocative piece of writing, conveying distance, isolation, sadness and resignation. Well done! I just wonder whether " I asked him what he did when the pain was too strong." would work as well or better than "was doing".

 

[Bassim]

Re: Please proofread my poem

stuartnz

People from Afghanistan like lamb meat more then anything. If you met them you would hear them talking about lamb as if it were a sacred animal. There is very tasty lamb meat produced in Sweden, but the problem is it is very expensive and the only alternative for people from Afghanistan is the lamb from New Zealand. The world is really interconnected.

 

[stuartnz]

Re: Please proofread my poem

stuartnz

People from Afghanistan like lamb meat more then anything... The world is really interconnected.

Indeed. My Dad's childhood home was very close to Afghanistan, in Quetta.