The Poem

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Bassim

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Dear people.
Please would you proofread my new poem.

The Poem

On the cold dreary winter days,

far away from my home,

when my soul suffers the most,

my mind moves back in time,

like in a self defence.

I am in a bright room with the open window.

The sent of jasmine wafts inside,

on the light breeze.

Trees bulge with ripe fruits.

A crow steals a walnut.

In the distance a sound of a passing train.

Wind brings marry voices

from a school playground.

Let me stay here for a while.
 

beascarpetta

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The Poem

On cold and dreary winter days,

far away from my home,

when my soul suffers most,

my mind moves back in time,

like in self-defence.

I am in a bright room with a window wide open.

A light breeze

wafts the scent of jasmine inside.


Trees bulge with ripe fruit.

A crow steals a walnut.

In the distance a sound of a passing train.

the wind brings merry voices

from a school playground.

Let me stay here for a while.

I do hope you won't kill me for the changed lines
brilliant as always

beascarpetta
 

Bassim

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Bea

Thank you for helping me.
Every suggestion and help are greatly appreciated!
 

beascarpetta

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As always, it was a pleasure
I can't wait for your next literary "effort" :-D
 

RonBee

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On the cold dreary winter days,

far away from my home,

when my soul suffers the most,

my mind moves back in time,

like in a self defence.

I am in a bright room with the open window.

The sent of jasmine wafts inside,

on the light breeze.

Trees bulge with ripe fruits.

Perhaps:
On cold dreary winter days,

far away from home,

when my soul suffers the most,

my mind moves back in time,

as if in self defence.

I am in a bright room with an open window.

The sent of jasmine wafts inside

on a light breeze.

The trees are heavy with ripe fruit.

:-D
What do you think?
:)
 

Bassim

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RonBee

Mate, thank you for your suggestion. I don't know how to answer your question? I prefer the word "bulge" but as you know English is not my mother tongue and still I do not have the same feeling for it as you have. But, I would like to avoid the word "heavy" because it is so usual and one hears it many times every day. For me, "bulge" is more dynamic then "heavy" but it is just my personal feeling.

Many thanks for helping me.
 

beascarpetta

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I prefer the word "bulge" but as you know English is not my mother tongue and still I do not have the same feeling for it as you have.
I didn't realize your doubts about bulge
what about using

sag
droop
although both might be a tad passive and negative to boot
or swollen with
pregnant
(too much probably)
although both might carry a slight Ovidian undertone ;-)

bea
 

Bassim

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Bea

Thank you for your suggestion. But, still my inner voice tells me "bulge" is the right word. Or maybe I am wrong? I believe I got in love with two vowels "u" and "e" in the word bulge!
 

Anglika

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I have to say - if you want to use "bulge", then use it. It is not a normal way of talking about trees covered with fruit, but it is your poem and if you feel it works, then go ahead :shock:
 
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