The Tattletaling Crow

[Ayed]

The Tattletaling Crow

I actually spent 10 years , or so , of my childhood, living with my grandmother in the desert .We often would move here and there in hope that we may come across a suitable place for us and our flock of sheep and herd of goats.We set up our wool tent made of sheep and goats hair.Got it upright , we woul transfer our baggaes , move food and other stuffs into the tent.Being little boy , when my grandmother wanted to drive our sheep and goats into the desert to feed them, she usually would warn me not to make any food untill she get back tent.She would keep telling me that if I had done something, a tattletaling crow would tell her of that.Once, when my grandmother went out driving out the flocks as I stayed at tent , I hesitantly exploited this occasion and prepared some dates--fruits of palm tree,some butter made out of flock milk and some fist-molded parts of dried-up skimmed milk-- yoghurt boiled over fire till water evaporated and what was left as a wheat paste was molded in flat doughs han palm. No scarcely had I mixed dates , animal butter and yoghurt flat doughs in a pan than the telltaling crow cried over the tent .I instantly dug out a large pit , dished out the delicious mixture into the lucky pit and I sadly buried them for ever . Got back tent , my grandmother noticed that some butter drops leaked out of the soil surface .She suspiciouly gazed at me as I snapping my butter-stained fingers so as not to see the sign of felony on my small pale face.She immediately recognized that I did it. She asked:”What is this oily leakage”I shamefully replied:”Oh!my grandmother!I felt a bit of hunger and done some food and while I was kneading the mixture the crow you would tell me of cried over me and I instantly done a pit , dished out the food into and buried it” .She sadly laught at me and contiuned :”My darling!you should have had the food since you had made it” .”I feared the crow to tell you of me that I was kneading some food” replied I .She patted at my weak shoulders saying:”Did not I warn you , my darling ”




It pleases me your corrections

my regards

 

[RonBee]

Um, that really should be tattletelling.

(I can't do more right now, as it is past my bedtime.)

:wink:

 

[RonBee]

I actually spent 10 years , or so , of my childhood, living with my grandmother in the desert .We often would move here and there in hope that we may come across a suitable place for us and our flock of sheep and herd of goats

In the first sentence, delete actually. Actually is used to contradict in some way something else that was said. Example:

• He might seem to talk and act like a native, but he has actually been here only a few months.

In the second sentence, use looking for, thus:

• We often would move here and there looking for a suitable place for us and our flock of sheep and herd of goats.

 

[RonBee]

We set up our wool tent made of sheep and goats hair.Got it upright , we woul transfer our baggaes , move food and other stuffs into the tent.

• We would set up our wool tent made of sheep and goathair and put our baggaes, food and other stuff into the tent.

(Note: Tattletale is both a noun and an adjective. (Obviously, I don't always get it right the first time.))

Being little boy , when my grandmother wanted to drive our sheep and goats into the desert to feed them, she usually would warn me not to make any food untill she get back [to the] tent.

Was your grandmother a little boy? :wink:

She would keep telling me that if I had done something, a tattletaling crow would tell her of that.

• She told me often that if I did anything I wasn't supposed to do a tattletale crow would tell her.

 

[RonBee]

Once, when my grandmother went out driving out the flocks as I stayed at tent , I hesitantly exploited this occasion and prepared some dates--fruits of palm tree,some butter made out of flock milk and some fist-molded parts of dried-up skimmed milk-- yoghurt boiled over fire till water evaporated and what was left as a wheat paste was molded in flat doughs han palm.

Say driving the flocks, not driving out the flocks. (They mean two different things. If you drive out something it is to get rid of it.) Delete hesitantly. It doesn't add anything. Say exploited the occasion. You might want to say something to indicate why he did what he did. (Hunger is one obvious reason.)

Change flock milk to sheep's milk or goat's milk. You need to make that two or even three sentences. (I'm not sure what yogurt boiled over fire until the water evapoates gives you, but it is not a wheat paste. Yogurt comes from milk.)

No scarcely had I mixed dates , animal butter and yoghurt flat doughs in a pan than the telltaling crow cried over the tent .

Say: "No sooner had I ... than ...." Say something like I saw the tattletale crow and heard its voice.

I instantly dug out a large pit , dished out the delicious mixture into the lucky pit and I sadly buried them for ever .

Say quickly or hurriedly instead of instantly. Delete for ever (which should be forever) You are overdoing it with the modifiers.

You might want to briefly discuss motivation. Example:

• I was afraid the crow would tell my mother.

Got back tent , my grandmother noticed that some butter drops leaked out of the soil surface .

• When she got back to the tent my grandmother noticed some butter on the ground.

She suspiciouly gazed at me as I snapping my butter-stained fingers so as not to see the sign of felony on my small pale face.

Say "She looked at me suspiciously...." The part about "the sign of felony on my small pale face" is clever, but, unfortunately, I don't understand the rest.

She immediately recognized that I did it.

• She immediately realized that I had done it.

She immediately realized that you had done what?

 

[RonBee]

She asked:”What is this oily leakage”

Try:

• She asked, "What is this?" as she pointed to the butter on the ground.

I shamefully replied:”Oh!my grandmother!I felt a bit of hunger and done some food and while I was kneading the mixture the crow you would tell me of cried over me and I instantly done a pit , dished out the food into and buried it” .

• I shamefully replied, ”Oh, my grandmother! I felt a bit of hunger and prepared some food, and while I was kneading the mixture the crow you told me about startled me with its sudden appearance. I felt guilty and afraid, and right away I dug a pit and put the food into it and covered up.

She sadly laught at me and contiuned :”My darling!you should have had the food since you had made it” .

• She chuckled and said, "You should have eaten that food."

”I feared the crow to tell you of me that I was kneading some food” replied I .She patted at my weak shoulders saying:”Did not I warn you , my darling ”

• "I was afraid the crow would tell you I had disobeyed you," I said.
  
  She patted me on the shoulders and said, "Did I not warn you, my darling?"

Where is the rest?

:wink: