No, there is no earth to match the heavens (note: I did not suggest "heaven" in biblical sense) but rather "the sky and universe" above. So you would have the seas below and the sky above in this verse.
If you want to use "haven" then I would assume it was your relationship with this person that was the haven...it was safe at one time but not now.
In this case I would suggest changing "the haven" to "our haven". Then you make it easier for the reader to understand what the haven refers to.
Well, that is why I suggested changing it to "rocking" as yes, rockin' does not fit the mood of the poem, in my opinion. However, it is your choice and I am glad you chose to change brawling.
You quoted this with no comment. I don't understand why this is in the message.
It sounds quite good for the most part...
though this phrase "in the shatters of the skies" means nothing to me.
This line is confusing " So I'm leaving back to darkness," I don't understand if you are leaving darkness or going back to it? the word "back" is the problem here. If you are going back to darkness...I don't see how this is redeeming (later on in the verse)
I think these lines can be improved too...
"I can allow my muses to wash
away the heavens bright".
A muse is a source of inspiration, usually a poetic one. It does not seem to fit here.]
Thank you again.
A poem doesn't have to be written grammatically correct. The absence of 'to' in 'to wash' is deliberate - it makes for a better flow and rhythm, and the meaning is not altered. I must say I cannot quite follow you when you suggest that the word 'muse' as a source of inspiration does not fit here - could you elaborate on this, please? The muse - if you can dive into the poem - is creativity's alter ego, it is art that 'washes away the (murky) heavens bright'. Madness - darkness, night - is the absolute break with the work of art. Writing, painting, creating, are those 'specks of glory' when everything seems dark.
When you add the word "murky" you change the use of "bright". Without it, "bright" describes the heavens...before washing. It sounds to me like you are washing away the bright heavens.
I agree flow in a line is important, at a sacrifice to grammar. But grammar should not be sacrificed when it impairs the meaning of the line.
I would add the word "murky" to clarify what is being washed away.
How about this?
"I let my muses wash away
make the murky heavens bright".
I cannot describe the beauty (8 syllables)
of a morning dim and grey, (7 syllables)
For my words are pale and smudgy (8 syllables)
from the ashes of dismay. (7 syllables)
I let my muses wash away, (8 syllables)
make the murky heavens bright, (7 syllables)
And instill a speck of glory (8 syllables)
in the labour of the Light. (7 syllables)
This is what I wanted my message to be. A poem can be read in different ways...but it also can be easily mis-read or misunderstood. I once had my students analyse "The Road Not Taken" and I was...taken aback to see how this peom could be interpreted. Some of them were really shallow, childish. I also read that Robert Frost himself could not pinpoint what exactly he meant with the poem - but this is what gives it a mystical aura - its being a well of meanings. Poetical allegories, metaphors are Picasso paintings in the shape of language. The poem emerges from hidden places and surprises the author himself. It is the truth about the author - and comes out as images, tropes, metaphors, hardly in neat, clear-cut grammatical constructions. That's what i think.
I do not disagree....the final say belongs to the poet.
Many poets write for themselves, in my opinion. Personally I don't like obscure metaphor that is only known to the author.
My observations are simply to point out areas where I see could perhaps be improved. It is nothing personal.
My poetry that has been criticized as being too descriptive by poets, has been praised by readers for the same reason. Even then their interpretations surprise me at times.
I write for myself first and those readers second. I don't write to please
critics, though I do appreciate their comments.
I still don't understand "in the shatters of the skies", as well as other areas I commented on.
The purpose of this thread is to tinker with wording...But if it is fine with you then that is all that matters....