What do you think about it?

[Latoof]

I can be that high…


I can take you so high
On the tops of the mountains
To reach the sky to touch the sun
And if you want we can go higher
I can fly with you to kiss the clouds
We shall sail the ocean
And across the distances together
I can take you so high
I can burn my soul for you
So you can warm your limbs
On my burned remains, I don’t care.
I just want you to feel satisfied
To live your days and to smile
Never bother yourself about me
I still can fly so high
Although my dreams can be that deep
But I would like to stay near you
To feel, at the same time, to see
To what deep can your eyes take me
To what height can your soul fly
And how can your dreams skip fences!

I really want to know what do you think of it, and if you find any mistakes please correct it for me.
:wink: :wink: :wink:

 

[RonBee]

I like the "kiss the clouds" phrase, but after that it gets, I think, a little prosy.

The nouns are depths and heights.

 

[Latoof]

I like the "kiss the clouds" phrase, but after that it gets, I think, a little prosy.

The nouns are depths and heights.
Thank you very much for the correction.

 

[RonBee]

I can be that high…


I can take you so high
On the tops of the mountains
To reach the sky to touch the sun

Perhaps:

• I can be that high…
  I can take you so high--
  To the tops of the mountains,
  To reach the sky, to touch the sun,

And if you want we can go higher
I can fly with you to kiss the clouds

Now, that's a good line. (The only thing I would add is a little punctuation.)

We shall sail the ocean
And across the distances together

Use "cross" for "across" there. What kind of distances shall we cross?

I can take you so high
I can burn my soul for you
So you can warm your limbs
On my burned remains, I don’t care.

But I wouldn't want you to burn yourself up.

I just want you to feel satisfied
To live your days and to smile
Never bother yourself about me
I still can fly so high

You sure can dream some dreams.

Although my dreams can be that deep
But I would like to stay near you

I would delete "But" there.

To feel, at the same time, to see
To what deep can your eyes take me
To what height can your soul fly
And how can your dreams skip fences!

How about:

• To feel, at the same time, to see
  To what depths your eyes can take me,
  To what heights your soul can fly,
  And how your dreams can skip fences.

What do you think?

 

[Latoof]

What do I think?
That was realy useful? Thank you.
Here is the poem after the corrections.
You joined the titel with the poem in your suggestion. I think it was my fault. If just write "Titel" That will be fine.

I Can Be That High…


I can take you so high--
On the tops of the mountains,
To reach the sky, to touch the sun,
And if you want we can go higher,
I can fly with you to kiss the clouds.
We shall sail the ocean
And cross the distances together.
I can take you so high.
I can burn my soul for you
So you can warm your limbs
On my burned remains, I don’t care.
I just want you to feel satisfied
To live your days and to smile
Never bother yourself about me
I still can fly so high
Although my dreams can be that deep
I would like to stay near you
To feel, at the same time, to see
To what depths your eyes can take me,
To what heights your soul can fly,
And how your dreams can skip fences.

 

[RonBee]

What do I think?
That was realy useful? Thank you.
Here is the poem after the corrections.
You joined the titel with the poem in your suggestion. I think it was my fault. If just write "Titel" That will be fine.

I see. There are a couple of things that distinguish the title from the rest of the poem. First, most of the words are (usually) capitalized. Second, the title is often in bold and the type is often larger than the rest of the poem. Example:

• I Can Be That High

Any one of those things tells the reader that it is a title. Sometimes you will find them all together.

 

[Latoof]

I have changed the titel formating.
Thank you very much for the sugestions.

 

[RonBee]

You are very welcome.