When Maria told Peter she wanted a divorce

Bassim

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I am wondering if my sentence makes sense in English. I have used " the ground opened up" and "pit" as symbols for how Peter felt. Would you please correct my mistakes?

When Maria told Peter she wanted a divorce, the ground under his feet opened up, and he tumbled into the bottomless pit.
 

bhaisahab

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emsr2d2

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I'd probably say "... he felt as though the ground under his feet had opened up, and he tumbled into a bottomless pit".

Although your original would probably be clear to most readers, it is worded as if the ground really did open up under his feet. Of course, it didn't.
 

Bassim

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emsr 2d2,

With all respect, I think that your version is more wordy than mine. Your version has, "he felt as though the ground..." and mine, "the ground under his feet opened up". I go straight to the feeling without adding additional words. Everyone knows that the ground did not opened up, but the readers know what Peter feels and that the ground under his feet is actually how he feels. I am not sure, but I believe that an editor would tell you to cut out "he felt as though..."
 

Barb_D

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An editor would definitely tell you to change "the" to "a" as ems did.
 
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