While Nick was buying a bottle of wine

[Bassim]

I am wondering if my sentences sound natural. Would you please correct my mistakes? I am not sure about the word order in my second sentence.

While Nick was buying a bottle of wine at off-licence, he was approached by a homeless man who asked him for money. It took him a while to recognise his former schoolmate, David, behind an ugly, smelly mask.

 

[bhaisahab]

You need an article before 'off-licence'. 'behind an ugly, smelly mask' is not natural.

 

[Bassim]

bhai,

I used "behind an ugly, smelly mask" to create the contrast between a David Nick remembered from his schooldays and the present when he had become neglected. But I do not know what other phrase I could use instead of "behind an ugly, smelly mask" to convey that meaning.

 

[jutfrank]

I think the problem is the combination of smelly mask. Masks hide how things look, visually.

 

[Bassim]

Would my sentence be OK like this?

While Nick was buying a bottle of wine at an off-licence, he was approached by a homeless man who asked him for money. It took him a while to recognise his former schoolmate, David behind an ugly mask.

 

[jutfrank]

That gets around the problem, yes, but the comma is in the wrong place.

 

[Tdol]

How about something like beneath the grime instead of the mask idea?