While the equilibrist slowly walked a tightrope

Bassim

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I am wondering if my sentences are grammatically correct.

While the equilibrist slowly walked a tightrope, the audience drew in their breath. They silence was overpowering as hundreds of eyes stared at a pair of feet high above the ground.
 

emsr2d2

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Before today, I had never seen the word "equilibrist" in my life! From the context, it's quite clear what it is but such an acrobat is referred to, in BrE, as a "tightrope walker". I might have seen "high wire walker" but I'm not sure. I might be imagining that I've seen it purely because I know that a tightrope (BrE) is also called a high wire in other variants.

So, on the basis that presumably you don't want your readers scrabbling for the nearest dictionary, I'd change it to "tightrope walker". Maybe then, to avoid the repetition of "tightrope", write "walked the high wire".

Hundreds of people drawing in their breath at the same time wouldn't be silent. It would actually be quite loud! I'd use "held their breath".

You've written "They" instead of "The" at the start of the second sentence.
 

Bassim

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I will repeat my sentences after emsr2d2's suggestions, just an exercise.

While the tightrope walker slowly walked the high wire, the audience held their breath. The silence was overpowering as hundreds of eyes stared at a pair of feet high above the ground.
 

emsr2d2

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That's better (in my opinion) though I now realise you have the semi-repetitive nature of "walker" and "walked" very close together. You could change "slowly walked" to "inched his way along".
 

Bassim

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emsr2d2,

I have also realised the same regarding "walker" and walked" and wondered what kind of phrase I could use instead, and then I see you have already posted your answer. This was again like telepathy.
 
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