Write a paragraph, need corection

[Belly T]

Write a paragraph of 150-180 words supporting or rejecting the argument that parents should control what their children watch on TV

I support that parents should control what their children watch on television. First,nowadays, almost every family can have a television set at home. A lot of children are watching television at a very young age. They really like to imitate what comes into their eyes. That must be their parent’ responsibility to take control them and tell them what they should do in order to behave in a good way. Second, violence programmes are showed as often as not everyday on television, some also contain adult’s categories. Will that suit for children of all ages? Certainly not, especially on the scale of “children” or “kids”. I totally agree. Except for the children who have grown up, strictly speaking, over 18, can watch whatever they want. Third, watching too much television will result in obese and it does no good to both adult and children. In conclusion, I think parents should only control their kids till the day they’ve matured.

Please correct me, thanks in advance.

 

[Tdol]

what comes into their eyes- clumsy phrasing, just say 'what they see'
That must be their parent’ responsibility- change 'that'
take control them- preposition
violence programmes- adjective not noun
showed- past participle not past tense
some also contain adult’s categories.- some what? adult's categories- adult material?
suit for children - no preposition, or use 'be suitable for'
scale of “children” or “kids”- scale? unclear- use 'younger children' or something
I totally agree- with what?
Except for the children who have grown up, strictly speaking, over 18,- they are adults over 18, not children
obese- noun not adjective
adult and children- make both plural

 

[Belly T]

I think after result in we must use a noun, so why obsese here made a fault?
Adult and children -make both plural (?)- I really don't understand what you meant

 

[Tdol]

obese = adjectivie obesity = noun
adults and children

 

[Belly T]

Here's another try, please take a look at it:
Write a paragraph of 150-180 words supporting or rejecting the argument that parents should control what their children watch on TV

I support the idea that parents should control their children over watching television. First, nowadays, almost every family has a television set whether they are in high or middle class. All we know that television is a wonderful invention helping us entertain and improve our knowledge, but some programmes are not that good. They can contain violence or adult’s content and are showed as often as not. Children, especially those who are very young, can imitate what they see and they can’t differentiate between good and bad. It would be the parents’ responsibility to take control of them, in order to prevent no-good progammes from affecting the kids. Second, spending too much time on television will result in obesity, eye-diseased and some other illnesses , which is really harmful to both adults and children. .Last but not least, watch too much television and you will have no time left to do other activities, and that rule will have a big influence on your children’ behaviour later. In conclusion, I think parents should only control their kids till the day they’ve already matured, the closer, the better for their kids.