writing comens

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bosun

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When a writing teacher gives written feedback to students' papers, can I write as follows?

1. Your papers lacks focus and coherence. Please reorganize your ideas so that your reader can follow your ideas.

2. There are too many awkward and ungrammatical sentences in your paper.
Reread and correct all the mistakes marked in your paper.
 

Raymott

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When a writing teacher gives written feedback to students' papers, can I write as follows?

1. Your paper[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] lacks focus and coherence. Please reorganize your ideas so that your reader can follow [STRIKE]your ideas.[/STRIKE] them.
I wouldn't use "ideas" twice. You really want the student to reorganise their work. Their ideas might be very well-organised, but come unraveled between their brain and the keyboard.
"Please reorganize your work so that your reader can follow your ideas."

2. There are too many awkward and ungrammatical sentences in your paper.
Reread and correct all the mistakes marked in your paper. OK
R.
 
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