[General] The moment my eyes crossed over....

[HanibalII]

'She was already awake, and the moment my eyes crossed over her, I could feel my mouth lift into an enormous smile'


Was wondering if anybody thought that was an odd phrase/wording in this particular context?

Cheers

 

[billmcd]

'She was already awake, and the moment my eyes crossed over her, I could feel my mouth lift into an enormous smile'


Was wondering if anybody thought that was an odd phrase/wording in this particular context?

Cheers

Well, I don't think I would have used that expression, but as an English Literature Major I'm sure you realize that authors create expressions, terms etc. that seem to be and are "unusual". Having noticed that yourself, I would be interested, based on your field of study, to know what expression you would replace it with.

 

[HanibalII]

Well, I don't think I would have used that expression, but as an English Literature Major I'm sure you realize that authors create expressions, terms etc. that seem to be and are "unusual". Having noticed that yourself, I would be interested, based on your field of study, to know what expression you would replace it with.

I really don't know. My English lit teacher pointed out that she thought it was an unusual expression. Maybe it's the 'over her' part that's strange, because it implies he doesn't keep looking at her...

I was thinking about changing it to 'the moment my eyes touched hers'

 

[emsr2d2]

I don't think the writer meant that their eyes met. I think it means that the man "looked her over" ie he looked up and down her body, from head to toe, and the sight of her made him smile.

 

[HanibalII]

I don't think the writer meant that their eyes met. I think it means that the man "looked her over" ie he looked up and down her body, from head to toe, and the sight of her made him smile.

Well I'm honestly not sure what meaning I wanted behind it.

I was trying to convey it that the mere sight of her made him smile.

So I guess that's not how people have been interpreting it?

 

[5jj]

'She was already awake, and the moment my eyes crossed over her, I could feel my mouth lift into an enormous smile'

I am afraid that I took it to mean that the sight of her caused me to go cross-eyed and that made me grin inanely.
​

 

[emsr2d2]

"... when I turned to look at her, the sight made me smile".

 

[HanibalII]

'She was already awake, and the moment my eyes crossed over her, I could feel my mouth lift into an enormous smile'

I am afraid that I took it to mean that the sight of her caused me to go cross-eyed and that made me grin inanely.
​

Oh dear

Could you suggest any way for me to convey the meaning in a more clear fashion?

 

[emsr2d2]

Oh dear

Could you suggest any way for me to convey the meaning in a more clear fashion?

Well, I've tried to do that in post #7.

 

[Raymott]

Well I'm honestly not sure what meaning I wanted behind it.

I was trying to convey it that the mere sight of her made him smile.

You can probably learn two things from this: i) don't write anything until you know what you mean, and ii) if you mean "the mere sight of her made me smile" write that.
"She was already awake, and as I turned to her, the mere sight of her caused my mouth to lift into an enormous smile". (I wouldn't actually write this, but it's not my story).
You can break rule i) if you're writing in order to determine what you do mean.

 

[Rover_KE]

I was thinking about changing it to 'the moment my eyes touched hers'.

I wouldn't. You'll have people doing contortions trying to see if that's even possible.

 

[HanibalII]

Well, I've tried to do that in post #7.

Sorry, I must've passed over it.

It sounds good. But it doesn't quite fit with what I've written.

I wouldn't. You'll have people doing contortions trying to see if that's even possible.

This is why I love this site!

Would 'the moment our gaze met ' sound better? To mean they both looked into each others eyes?

Basically, the section is full of cliche lovey-dovey moments. It's making it very difficult to convey the scene in the right light...

 

[emsr2d2]

"The moment our eyes met" is a fairly standard phrase, but it doesn't work with "gaze" (although it would be "gazes" anyway). Given that you just said that my suggestion in post #7 didn't fit what you had originally written, I would say that the same goes for "The moment our eyes met". In your original, there was no suggestion that "she" was looking in your direction at all. It simply stated that your eyes "crossed over" her. I thought it was entirely possible that she was asleep and you were just looking at her and thinking "She's gorgeous. I'm a lucky guy!"

 

[HanibalII]

"The moment our eyes met" is a fairly standard phrase, but it doesn't work with "gaze" (although it would be "gazes" anyway). Given that you just said that my suggestion in post #7 didn't fit what you had originally written, I would say that the same goes for "The moment our eyes met". In your original, there was no suggestion that "she" was looking in your direction at all. It simply stated that your eyes "crossed over" her. I thought it was entirely possible that she was asleep and you were just looking at her and thinking "She's gorgeous. I'm a lucky guy!"

It's a possibility.

But it would require changes to the rest of this particular scene.


This is the full scene if it helps:

'When I got to my wife’s room, she was already awake. The moment my eyes crossed over her, I felt my mouth lift into an enormous smile. She was already dressed, with the discharge papers signed and sitting on the table, waiting for the nurse.'

Right now I'm thinking of something more mundane like 'the moment I saw her'. Keeping it really simple. But I don't feel any emotion in that choice.



I've really spent too long considering this choice.

 

[Rover_KE]

I've really spent too long considering this choice.

Why don't you insert a smilie instead of typing ''?

 

[HanibalII]

Why don't you insert a smilie instead of typing ''?

Force of habit. Another forum I'm on uses keyboard shortcuts.

 

[Rover_KE]

Force of habit. Another forum I'm on uses keyboard shortcuts.

In that case, the correct keyboard shortcuts for this form are here.

 

[5jj]

And, more easily, they are available at the top of every post you type, between the font and link buttons.