Bob and Jane

[chunchuntthn]

Bob and Jane

​

Everyday, Bob and Jane take the bus to go to office together. Bob likes Jane very much, but he is shy for talking to her about his love. One day, when both is on the bus, Bob give Jane a piece of paper that he wrote as follows “if you love me, let give back me this piece of paper. Otherwise, you throw it out of window”. A moment later, Jane head to him and give him it and says “the window is locked so I can’t throw it out”.

Please give me some feedback.

 

[emsr2d2]

Bob and Jane


[STRIKE]Everyday[/STRIKE] Every day, Bob and Jane take the bus to [STRIKE]go to[/STRIKE] the office together. Bob likes Jane very much, but he is too shy [STRIKE]for talking[/STRIKE] to talk to her about his [STRIKE]love[/STRIKE] feelings.

One day, when both [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] of them were on the bus, Bob [STRIKE]give[/STRIKE] gave Jane a piece of paper [STRIKE]that he wrote as follows[/STRIKE] on which he had written “If you love me, [STRIKE]let[/STRIKE] give me back [STRIKE]me[/STRIKE] this piece of paper. [STRIKE]Otherwise[/STRIKE] If not, [STRIKE]you[/STRIKE] throw it out of the window”.

A moment later, Jane [STRIKE]head to him and[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]give[/STRIKE] gave it back to him [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] and [STRIKE]says[/STRIKE] said “The window is locked so I can’t throw it out”.

Please give me some feedback.

See above. Poor Bob!

(I had no idea what you meant by "Jane head to him" but whatever it was, it didn't seem to add anything useful so I deleted it.)

 

[chunchuntthn]

This is my rewrite.

Every day, Bob and Jane take the bus to the office together. Bob likes Jane very much, but he is too shy to talk to her about his feelings.
One day, when both of them (they both) were on the bus, Bob gave Jane a piece of paper which he had written on “ If you love me, give me back this piece of paper. If not, throw it out of the window”.
A moment later, Jane gave it back to him and said “ The window is locked so I can’t throw it out”.

 

[Tarheel]

It would be better to say they take the same bus. They are clearly not a couple. Otherwise, just use the one with Ems's corrections.

 

[chunchuntthn]

It would be better to say they take the same bus. They are clearly not a couple. Otherwise, just use the one with Ems's corrections.

Maybe I should write as follows:
Bob and Jane often take the same bus to the office together.

 

[Tarheel]

No. Say:

Bob and Jane often take the same bus to the office.

The word "together" suggests that they are a couple. (Jane disagrees.)