[General] ...shine bright with...

[rodgers white]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

*************************************************************

Like the bright blossoms that make the hills shine bright with color, but then Scatter and are gone, so it is with you.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

*************************************************************

Like the bright blossoms that make the hills shine bright with color[STRIKE],[/STRIKE] but then scatter and are gone, so it is with you.

Don't use commas in series of two. Use them in series of three or more.

 

[rodgers white]

Don't use commas in series of two. Use them in series of three or more.

So the new version now:

Like the bright blossoms that make the hills shine bright with color but then scatter and are gone, so it is with you.

Is there any room to improve, or do you have something to share?

 

[emsr2d2]

Is there any room to improve, or do you have something to share?

I'm not sure why I've neglected to mention this before, but this frequent question of yours at the end of your posts is unnatural.

1. The standard wording is "room for improvement".
2. The second half would be better worded as "and/or do you have any other suggestions?"

My instinctive response to you "Do you have something to share?" is "Well, I've got a box of delicious truffles I could pass round, I suppose"!

 

[rodgers white]

So the new version now:

Like the bright blossoms that make the hills shine bright with color but then scatter and are gone, so it is with you.

Is there any room for improvement, or do you have any other suggestions?

 

[Tarheel]

I might delete the first "bright" or replace it with something. Perhaps:

Like the golden blossoms that make the hills shine bright with color but then scatter and are gone, so it is with you.