Having, as both, in addition to

[nikkiwu]

Hi Friends and Teachers,

I am currently writing a cover letter and not sure if I am using the correct grammar. The sentence is as following:

Having worked as both a volunteer for IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program, an private math tutor in addition to also taking on a full set of courses, I maintained a high grade point average.

My friend said to me that the logic and grammar are both wrong in the above sentence. And he corrected it as:

I worked both as a volunteer for IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program, an private math tutor, while also taking a full set of courses, and maintained a high grade point average.

I want to emphasis during that particular semester, I had done a lot of different things, but still maintained a very good GPA. I feel like my friend's sentence doesn't emphasis that and it is a little bit wordy.

Can you please give me some advice and help me to rephrase the whole sentence?

Thanks,
Nikki

[Barb_D]

Hi Nikki,
Try something like this.

I had a full course load, and although I was both a volunteer for the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and a private math tutor, I still maintained a high grade point average.

or

I maintained a high grade point average with a full course load, despite dedicated time as a volunteer with the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and as a private math tutor.

or something that combines these ideas.

Note that it's A private math tutor, not "an." There is no vowel sound.

[nikkiwu]

Barb_D, thank you very much.

I kept thinking about rephrasing my sentence last night and came out a sentence as following " While working as both a volunteer for the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and a private math tutor, in addition to also taking on a full load of courses, I still managed to maintain a high grade point average. "

Does the above sentence sound right? Is there any grammar or punctuation mistake?

Thanks,
Nikki