how can i write a letter to request student pass

[bayara_mine]

Hello, i've to write a letter requesting student pass to ICA.
Bur i don't know how to write well. Please give me some advise and help me.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am 23 years old and graduated from Mongolian National University as a Mongolian – English translator and researcher in 2009. I would like to study at human resource field for master degree ( if possible ) in Singapore. But I think my English is not enough good to study at university. For this reason, I have to perfect my English knowledge – especially spoken language. That’s why I applied for LP Language School. I would be grateful if you would approve my student pass.
I enclose photocopy of my bachelor degree’s diploma and document of security money.
Please correct it and send me your valuable advice.

[kfredson]

Hello, i've to write a letter requesting student pass to ICA.
Bur i don't know how to write well. Please give me some advise and help me.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am 23 years old and I graduated in 2009 from Mongolian National University as a Mongolian – English translator and researcher in 2009. I would like to study at pursue a Master's degree in the field of human resources field for master degree ( if possible ) in Singapore. But I think my English is not enough good to study at the university. For this reason, I have to perfect my English knowledge – especially the spoken language. That’s why I have applied for LP Language School. I would be grateful if you would approve my student pass.
I enclose a photocopy of my bachelor degree’s diploma and a document of security money (I am not sure what you mean by this).
Please correct it and send me your valuable advice.

What you have written is very clear. I have made a few small suggestions but it is fine as it is.
My advice is that you drop out the words "if possible." Just go for it. Good luck!