paragraph review

[felix_felices]

please review this paragraph for my sop

"I was in my eighth grade when I first learnt about Gregor Mendel's theories of heredity. It intrigued me that how the then known "factors" being so small in size had the potential to determine the traits of an individual. Most importantly, Mendel’s illimitable amount of dedication and perseverance to prove what he believed in motivated me to display the same thirst to excel in my academics."

Please help me bring some flow to this. I want to keep this as my first paragraph.

(I'm planning for masters in biomed)

[Route21]

Hi felix_felices

As a NES, but not a teacher, I could suggest:

"I was in my eighth grade when I first learnt about Gregor Mendel's theories of heredity. It intrigued me how such small factors, then known, had the potential to determine the traits of an individual. Most importantly, Mendel’s unwavering dedication and perseverance to prove what he believed in motivated me to display the same thirst to excel in my academics."

Hope this helps
R21