Help! just one paragragh...

[kimxydsy]

Is this paragragh correct especially the last sentense? Thanks!

The increasingly fierce competition cause grave concerns among parents on the development of their children’s potential. The education of young children, consequently, grows by leaps and bounds. Some people suggest that government should put more budget into young children’s education rather than universities. Meanwhile, this idea is strongly opposed by numerous people, including me, who hold the point of view that never have there been more significance for the growth of the young than university.

[Route21]

Hi kimxydsy

As a NES, but not a teacher, I'll have a go!

The increasingly fierce competition in today's world, causes grave concern among parents over the development of their children’s potential. The demand for education of young children, consequently, grows by leaps and bounds.

Some people suggest that government should make more funds available for young children’s education at the expense of universities.

Meanwhile, this idea is strongly opposed by numerous people, including myself, who believe that there has never been a greater relevence for the role of universities in the growth of the young than there is today.

Hope this helps
R21

[Rover_KE]

Good try, R21.

I would delete all the commas in the first two sentences.

Note - relevance.

Rover

[Route21]

Many thanks, Rover.

Pity there isn't a spell-checker on the system. I normally rely on them to pick up such errors.
In hindsight I would agree about the commas.

Best regards
R21

[kimxydsy]

Thank you R21, I really appreciate your sample sentence. I'll improve this paragragh according to your suggestion.

Kind regards
kimxydsy

[kimxydsy]

Thank you too, teacher Rover,
I'm preparing for a language test, so I just want to decorate my sentence with more 'complex' structure. The adverb separateing with comma is such an intentional shift of sentence structure---not very 'native', but for test. lol

kind regards
kimxydsy