college admission on the line, please help!

[kevinb]

So the deadline for the 50 dollar deposit was may 1st, I spoke to my mom a few days before that regarding the deposit, she said she had already spoke to someone and since we are low income the fee would be waived, I thought it had already been taken care of, I called the office of admissions today to make sure everything was ok and up to date because my mom is from Spain and she gets confused easily when it comes to English, I told him the situation and he said that I was wrong and that I would have to send a check for 50 dollars and a letter explaining why I missed the deadline and they would decide whether or not I would stay accepted. What I think happened was my mom was thinking of the fee to send in the application which was waived and confused it with the deposit, so here is my letter, its a rough draft of coarse and I'm not too good with letters so I hope you guys can help, and if anyone can revise my letter that would be very helpful. If there are any bigger/more intelligent sounding words I can use or words I should take out please let me know. Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Kevin _______ and I missed the deadline for the advanced enrollment deposit. The reason why I missed the AED was a misunderstanding, I spoke to my mom a few days before the AED deadline and she told me she had already spoke to someone and that the fee would be waived due to our low income.

Naturally I thought that the AED was waived and that it was taken care of. I called today (may 3rd) to make sure that everything was up to date and the gentleman on the phone told me that the AED has not been paid for and that the deadline has passed, after telling him my situation he told me I would have to send a check along with an explanation as to why I have missed the deadline to the office of admissions. My mom is from another country and often has difficulty understanding English, I believe that my mom spoke to someone and misunderstood them and thought that the AED would be waived due to our low income.

Michigan state university is the only college I would like to attend this upcoming fall, I spoke to the universities that I have been accepted to and told them I will be attending MSU this upcoming fall so they took me off their acceptance list, I'm sorry for the inconvenience and I hope that after reading this letter a spot for the upcoming fall semester can still be held for me.

Yours Faithfully,
Kevin ________

[FreeToyInside]

My suggestion for wording would be to change 'mom' to 'mother' as this is a formal letter, and 'mom' sounds a bit informal and doesn't quite match the tone of the rest of it. In the first part, your mother 'had already spoken..." Be sure to capitalize 'May 3rd' and also the full name 'Michigan State University'. "The reason why I missed the AED was a misunderstanding" sounds off, and could maybe work better as "I had missed the AED due to a misunderstanding."

Also watch your run-on sentences. Your entire letter is only six sentences. In your last three lines, make the parts beginning with 'I spoke to...' and 'I'm sorry.." their own sentences. You might also consider rewording or striking completely your second 'upcoming fall'. It sounds slightly superfluous having two of them in one sentence. In the second part, 'after telling him my situation, ..." should be its own sentence. In the first part, put a period after 'misunderstanding' and start the rest as a new sentence.

Just my thoughts, hope it helps


(not a teacher, just a language lover)

[kevinb]

My suggestion for wording would be to change 'mom' to 'mother' as this is a formal letter, and 'mom' sounds a bit informal and doesn't quite match the tone of the rest of it. In the first part, your mother 'had already spoken..." Be sure to capitalize 'May 3rd' and also the full name 'Michigan State University'. "The reason why I missed the AED was a misunderstanding" sounds off, and could maybe work better as "I had missed the AED due to a misunderstanding."

Also watch your run-on sentences. Your entire letter is only six sentences. In your last three lines, make the parts beginning with 'I spoke to...' and 'I'm sorry.." their own sentences. You might also consider rewording or striking completely your second 'upcoming fall'. It sounds slightly superfluous having two of them in one sentence. In the second part, 'after telling him my situation, ..." should be its own sentence. In the first part, put a period after 'misunderstanding' and start the rest as a new sentence.

Just my thoughts, hope it helps


(not a teacher, just a language lover)

Thank you very much!