He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produce o

[Marina Gaidar]

I'm translating fairy tales and historical texts, as usual. Sorry to bother you with all this magical stuff, but the words compatibility really kills me! So, imagine that a person (who is not really a person, but a demon) has a special power - he can evoke fire. He appeares from the fire and reappeares in some other places with the help of it. So... does it sound ok: "He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produce only weak gleam". The troublesome places are in bold.

[Marina Gaidar]

And continuation of this: "Your fire will not avail any of your kind in my realm till I draw breath!" Natural or not natural? It should sound old-fashioned and magical.

[BobK]

For evoke I think 'call up' would be better.

'...avail any of your kind in my realm...' is OK (given your preference for archaism), but do you mean 'while I draw breath' (equals 'as long as I live'). In your context, though, 'till I draw breath' might make sense (in the sense 'until I assume animate form'.

b

[Marina Gaidar]

For evoke I think 'call up' would be better.

'...avail any of your kind in my realm...' is OK (given your preference for archaism), but do you mean 'while I draw breath' (equals 'as long as I live'). In your context, though, 'till I draw breath' might make sense (in the sense 'until I assume animate form'.

b

Yes, I meant as long as I live. Would it sound better if I write like this "as long as I live" instead of "while I draw breath"?

[BobK]

'As long as I draw breath' would suit your style better.

b

[BobK]

PS I've just thought: 'strains every sinew' would be better than '...strains to the utmost' (it's suitably archaic).

b