My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right

[Marina Gaidar]

Again, speaking about the letter of a mother to her child. "My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right to befall and stood no chance to last". Does it sound ok taking into account that it should be archaic?

[konungursvia]

No, this time you've gone and messed up. I'd re-write the whole passage.

[emsr2d2]

Again, speaking about the letter of a mother to her child. "My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right to befall and stood no chance to last". Does it sound ok taking into account that it should be archaic?

The beginning is OK, I guess. "My child, you are the offspring of a forbidden love ..."
If you want to make it properly archaic, maybe "thou art" instead of "you are".

The rest of it, as konungursvia said, needs rewriting.

[eunice65078]

you might get by with ... "of a love that had no right to be and stood no chance to last." I'm not sure what you are intending by archaic (a certain century, or like a certain poet, or maybe something else??)