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I submitted a resume on December 15th, 2012 for the __________________________ position and would like to inquire about the recruiting process. Additionally , I want to mention my desire to change careers and believe that this position would offer an ideal opportunity to showcase my experience and eagerness to make a positive contribution to your organization and the community. Looking forward to a favorable reply.
Respectfully,
Thanks in advance !!!!!!
Looks OK to me, but one of my personal "no-no's" in correspondence is to avoid use of terms such as "I would like to" and "I want to". If you want to or would like to, say it directly as "...this is to... " (instead of "would like to") and "I have a desire (instead of "I want to mention my desire....").Quote:
Originally Posted by ag11
[QUOTE=billmcd;955713]Looks OK to me, but one of my personal "no-no's" in correspondence is to avoid use of terms such as "I would like to" and "I want to". If you want to or would like to, say it directly as "...this is to... " (instead of "would like to") and "I have a desire (instead of "I want to mention my desire....").
billmcd- I understand the corrections, thank you very much for your time ! ag
1. The accents over the "e"s in "résumé" are very important, otherwise it looks like the verb "to resume".Quote:
Originally Posted by ag11
2. Do not put a space before a comma.
3. I agree with billmcd that "I want to mention my desire" is very unnatural.
4. "Looking forward to a favourable reply" is not a full sentence.
5. In BrE, such a letter should end "Yours sincerely" (if started "Dear Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms XXX", or "Yours faithfully" (if started "Dear Sir/Madam".
In addition, although I didn't change it in your original, I would have used "the recruitment process".
Just a point in addition to your response. Although it is my understanding that use of the term "keen" is common in BrE, one would seldom see/hear it used in AmE. I mention this primarily because ag11, according to his/her profile, currently resides in the U.S. and I assume he/she is considering employment here. That said, perhaps "I am interested in......" might be a suitable substitute.Quote:
Originally Posted by emsr2d2
Good point. I think we agree that avoiding anything involving "desire" is important though!Quote:
Originally Posted by billmcd
Would like to thank billmcd and emsr2d2 for the quick response and advise. I have sent the email and already received a favorable reply ! :up:
That's great news. Note the difference I have marked above between "advise" (verb) and "advice" (noun).Quote:
Originally Posted by ag11