37 yr old mom trying to go back to college...proofreading help

[nerak71]

Can someone please help me by proofreading my entrance essay? Thank you so much for your help!!


Letting Go





While deciding what to write about in this essay, so many things came to mind. I have been pondering quite a few of them and I have made the decision to write about a significant risk that I took approximately 11 years ago. I moved to Colorado, alone. While this may not seem risky to some, I assure you it was very unconventional thing to do in the Bible belt.

I was born and raised in a small town in Virginia. To give you an accurate perception, picture a city without it’s own movie theater. My childhood was spent playing in the fields with my friends. Since our future was predestined, we were taught the responsibilities of maintaining a home. Most of my friends were thrilled with becoming a homemaker. My opinion, of a woman’s ability to be more than a homemaker, was never a popular topic of conversation. To clarify, I was also looking forward to the day I would marry and have children, but somehow that just wasn’t enough contentment for me. It is a horrible existence to feel confined by a stereotype, but thankfully I had a mother whose spirit knew no boundaries.

I remember the day that I left Virginia as clearly as if it were yesterday. My mother was trying desperately to support her daughter with tears of fear and sadness streaming down her face, while tears of guilt were streaming down mine. In my mind I was leaving my mom to dwell in the shackles of tradition alone. I remember having second thoughts even as the U-Haul was in the driveway, but my mom told me that one day I would understand her tears. I became a mother for the first time 4 years ago and it wasn’t until then that I understood my mother’s words. The second I looked into my newborn daughter’s face I knew that I wanted her happiness more than I have ever wanted anything else. I now know that my mom’s sadness was secondary to her hopes and dreams for me. I remember she said, “Just fly.” She wanted me to fly with the ease of an eagle far above the confinement, tradition and stereotypes.

I moved to Colorado, the land of opportunity in my mind, and started down a career path that has brought me a lot of happiness. I have even surprised myself as I have stepped off of the ledge of doubt and fear. The last 11 years of my life have been the most transformative years of my life. I have learned to stand on my own and not be afraid of failure. Even in our failures we have success by learning new things about ourselves and certain situations that we wouldn’t have known otherwise. Growth can never be considered a negative. For me, college is the next step that I want to take in my life. Some may think that 37 is too old to begin college for the first time, but I believe that I am never too old to continue learning and growing whether it be as a student of academics or a student of life. In my opinion the two are synonymous.

[buggles]

Originally Posted by nerak71

Can someone please help me by proofreading my entrance essay? Thank you so much for your help!!


Letting Go





While deciding what to write about in this essay, so many things came to mind. I have been pondering quite a few of them and I have made the decision to write about a significant risk that I took approximately eleven years ago. I moved to Colorado - alone! While this may not seem risky to some, I assure you it was a very unconventional thing to do in the Bible belt.

I was born and raised in a small town in Virginia. To give you an accurate perception, picture a city without its own movie theater. My childhood was spent playing in the fields with my friends. Since our future was predestined, we were taught the responsibilities of maintaining a home. Most of my friends were thrilled with becoming a homemaker. My opinion of a woman’s ability to be more than a homemaker was never a popular topic of conversation. To clarify, I was also looking forward to the day I would marry and have children, but somehow that just wasn’t enough contentment for me. It is a horrible existence to feel confined by a stereotype, but thankfully I had a mother whose spirit knew no boundaries.

I remember the day that I left Virginia as clearly as if it were yesterday. My mother was trying desperately to support her daughter with tears of fear and sadness streaming down her face, while tears of guilt were streaming down mine. In my mind I was leaving my mom to dwell in the shackles of tradition alone. I remember having second thoughts even as the U-Haul was in the driveway, but my mom told me that one day I would understand her tears. I became a mother for the first time four years ago and it wasn’t until then that I understood my mother’s words. The second I looked into my newborn daughter’s face I knew that I wanted her happiness more than I have ever wanted anything else. I now know that my mom’s sadness was secondary to her hopes and dreams for me. I remember she said, “Just fly.” She wanted me to fly with the ease of an eagle far above the confinement, tradition and stereotypes.

I moved to Colorado, the land of opportunity in my mind, and started down a career path that has brought me a lot of happiness. I have even surprised myself as I have stepped off of the ledge of doubt and fear. The last eleven years have been the most transformative years of my life. I have learned to stand on my own and not be afraid of failure. Even in our failures we have success by learning new things about ourselves and certain situations that we wouldn’t have known otherwise. Growth can never be considered a negative. For me, college is the next step that I want to take in my life. Some may think that thirtyseven is too old to begin college, but I believe that I will never be too old to continue learning and growing whether it be as a student of academic subjects or a student of life. In my opinion, the two are synonymous.

buggles(not a teacher)

[Raymott]

[quote=nerak71;494539]

Since our future was predestined, we were taught the responsibilities of maintaining a home. Most of my friends were thrilled with becoming a housewife.
I'd use housewife, because the time you are talking about is 20+ years ago, I don't think homemakers existed then unless they were builders. So your friends were more likely looking forward to being housewives.

My mother was trying desperately to support her daughter,with tears of fear and sadness streaming down her face
I'd use a comma here to avoid the impression that your mother was trying to support you with tears of fear and sadness.

I moved to Colorado - in my mind the land of opportunity -
Similar reason - ambiguity.

as I have stepped off the ledge of doubt and fear.
I'm not sure about "off of". It might be acceptable or even normal in America. If it is, keep it.

whether it be as a student of academics or a student of life.
an academic student or ...

[/quote]
Buggles is right about the numbers. Numbers under ten should be written out in full. To me, 37 is okay though.

R.

[nerak71]

I hope you see this message. I am not good at getting around on this site yet. I just wanted to thank you because I was accepted into college and I know that my essay was one of the reasons. Again, thank you for your kindness.