[Essay] IELTS writing task 1. Please correct my essay!

[ngtuankhai]

These are two graphs that describe the change in the percentage of people who did not have a job in the US (United States) and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999. According to the graph, these two figures show opposite inclinations.

To begin with, there was an overall increase in the rate of unemployment in Japan by 2.5 per cent, while this was a 2.0 per cent decrease for the US. Furthermore, the difference in the unemployment figures for these two nations in March 1993 was quite profound (4.5 per cent) and it became slighter as time went by until the two figures reached almost the same value (around 5.0 percent) as each other at the end of the period. As can be seen, since March 1998, the unemployment rates in both the US and Japan were approximately equal to each other. As for the US alone, the rate of unemployment fluctuated around 5.0 per cent since sometime between March 1996 and 1997.

[csheywood]

Originally Posted by ngtuankhai

These are two graphs that describe the change in the percentage of people who did not have a job in the US (United States) and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999. According to the graph, these two figures show opposite inclinations. A good attempt to paraphrase - more accurately though will be to write: The graph illustrates the change in percentage of unemployed people... There is only one graph which shows 2 lines, not 2 graphs. The last line would be useful as a part of a summary statement at the end of the piece. At present it ends a bit abruptly.

To begin with, there was an overall increase in the rate of unemployment in Japan by 2.5 per cent, while this was a 2.0 per cent decrease for the US. Furthermore, the difference in the unemployment figures for these two nations in March 1993 was quite profound (4.5 per cent) and it became slighter as time went by until the two figures reached almost the same value (around 5.0 percent) as each other at the end of the period. As can be seen, since March 1998, from March 1998 to March 1999 the unemployment rates in both the US and Japan were approximately equal to each other. As for the US alone, the rate of unemployment fluctuated around 5.0 per cent since sometime between March 1996 and 1997.

I would suggest you describe each line separately in 2 separate paragraphs. You can use expressions (linkers) like 'in contrast' to indicate that there is a difference. Although it seems it will be more interesting to combine the contrasting ideas in one paragraph, it can actually be more confusing to follow the ideas as a reader. In a summary you can then draw attention to the fact that the rates of unemployment went in opposite directions for each country.