[Essay] IELTS writing task 2. Please correct my essay!

[ngtuankhai]

"Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.

Improvement in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence."
(IELTS Cambridge 3. Page 98)

The present trend is that everybody and every country in the world work together in all areas. Therefore, no matter how developed a country is, it still has responsibility for helping other nations so that they also help it back. It is poor nations which need assistance the most since the education and health care in these countries are indigent. Besides, by helping other countries, this also offers wealthier nations many benefits.

First of all, no one can exist solitarily. As a matter of fact, there is a necessity for reciprocal relationship in the world, especially in modern life, when the whole world unite to develop. Even a powerful country cannot develop well by itself. It is a fact that some rich countries are purchasing and relying on technology from developing countries, such as Vietnam and Singapore, especially in the IT area. For instance, recently, BKIS, an internet security centre in Vietnam, was a pioneer in location of the source behind the notorious US and Korean attacks, while other experts in the world were being at a standstill.

Moreover, life does not consist of only food and health but it also includes relationship between people. Caring about and helping each other are human beings’ basic instinct. This drives people to come together and offer them happiness. Indeed, assisting poor nations in improving their education and health care is not a burden at all since this is just the natural inclination.

Next, if wealthy countries cooperate to support the poorer nations, many people from both developed and underdeveloped countries do benefit a lot from this. In this way, the cooperation would offer more jobs, help people travel around the world and hence would bolster up tourism. By means of this, more people are involved in the globalisation, which the governments of many countries have been following.

To sum up, I think it is essential to help poor nations with their indigent education and health care as well as their infrastructure and their trade. Again, to reiterate, this is not a burden but the reciprocal relationship.

[ngtuankhai]

Quite disappointed!! No one bothered to help me!