[Essay] Would any teachers here give me some advice about this essay?

[heyun]

Hi, I am so glad to be here~~It's really a wonderful online resource for English learners.

I am preparing for the TOEFL ibt test and I found that writing section is really a tough part to me. Although I am trying to practice writing everyday,I am really
have no confidence about the essay I wrote. I know there are many good teachers here,so would anyone help me to edit this essay.

Especially the structure and the ideas....anything is ok. I would be very appreciated if you could give some advice and comments.Thank you in advance.

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[Question]:Some people prefer to work in groups on projects,while other people prefer to work alone.What are the advantage of each and which do you prefer? Use details and example to support your idea。

[My essay on this topic]

Although we appreciate the people who can deal with their jobs well by working alone, most of the case, in order to promote a work to a success, team work would play a more important role because the job we always face just isn’t that simply as we thought ,especially in nowadays competitive society. On my own experience, I think working in group would have more advantages than handing it alone.

There are several advantages when thinking about working in group.Firstly, it would be very helpful and efficient especially when facing a huge project that need to be finished in a limited time.For example,you can divide a big task into small pieces of task,and each member could do the task they are responsible for at the same time.Secondly, since it’s a group work ,it involves more discussion with other people.You can share idea with other member,have more fun and learn more from other’s opinion. Especially,if you meet trouble or big problems during the processing, by exchanging different ideas and possible options,it’s easier to find the best solution to solve the problem.

Of couse,working alone has its advantages as well.Most important benefit is that you can do the job in a more flexible way. For example, you have to finish a marketing research paper in a week.You can make plan,decide what inquiry questions to ask and where to do the marketing research ,you can determine every process,details by your self.It will help to shorten the determination process. Also,another advantage is that you can feel a fulfilled satisfaction when you successfully complicated the work. All that prize would contributed to your own hardworking. Perhaps to some people,it’s more challenging but also more awarding.

From my own experience,I would like to say that I prefer group-working rather than doing it alone. I m working in a securities company and my responsibility is to make company to go IPO(initial public offering),that is to help company finance from public market rather than just borrowing money from the bank. It’s a huge and challenging job,and it’s impossible to do it just alone. Thanks to the cooperating with other group member, that makes each process from examining the documents, visiting the company, to making strategy plan smoothly. I also learned more knowledge and idea from my colleagues. Nowadays, works are seeming not so simply to be done by just one person and doing in group seems to me the better selection.
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[Raymott]

Originally Posted by heyun

Hi, I am so glad to be here~~It's really a wonderful online resource for English learners.

I am preparing for the TOEFL ibt test and I found that writing section is really a tough part to me. Although I am trying to practice writing everyday,I am really
have no confidence about the essay I wrote. I know there are many good teachers here,so would anyone help me to edit this essay.

Especially the structure and the ideas....anything is ok. I would be very appreciated if you could give some advice and comments.Thank you in advance.

************************************************** *

[Question]:Some people prefer to work in groups on projects,while other people prefer to work alone.What are the advantage of each and which do you prefer? Use details and example to support your idea。

[My essay on this topic]

Although we appreciate the people who can deal with their jobs well by working alone, most of the case, in order to promote a work to a success, team work would play a more important role because the job we always face just isn’t that simply as we thought ,especially in nowadays competitive society. On my own experience, I think working in group would have more advantages than handing it alone.

There are several advantages when thinking about working in group.Firstly, it would be very helpful and efficient especially when facing a huge project that need to be finished in a limited time.For example,you can divide a big task into small pieces of task,and each member could do the task they are responsible for at the same time.Secondly, since it’s a group work ,it involves more discussion with other people.You can share idea with other member,have more fun and learn more from other’s opinion. Especially,if you meet trouble or big problems during the processing, by exchanging different ideas and possible options,it’s easier to find the best solution to solve the problem.

Of couse,working alone has its advantages as well.Most important benefit is that you can do the job in a more flexible way. For example, you have to finish a marketing research paper in a week.You can make plan,decide what inquiry questions to ask and where to do the marketing research ,you can determine every process,details by your self.It will help to shorten the determination process. Also,another advantage is that you can feel a fulfilled satisfaction when you successfully complicated the work. All that prize would contributed to your own hardworking. Perhaps to some people,it’s more challenging but also more awarding.

From my own experience,I would like to say that I prefer group-working rather than doing it alone. I m working in a securities company and my responsibility is to make company to go IPO(initial public offering),that is to help company finance from public market rather than just borrowing money from the bank. It’s a huge and challenging job,and it’s impossible to do it just alone. Thanks to the cooperating with other group member, that makes each process from examining the documents, visiting the company, to making strategy plan smoothly. I also learned more knowledge and idea from my colleagues. Nowadays, works are seeming not so simply to be done by just one person and doing in group seems to me the better selection.
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There are a lot of imperfections in the grammar, but you probably already know that.
On the other hand, you've done very well is answering the question and setting out your essay. You have answered every part of the question and given examples, and your own opinion. No doubt your job has taught you how to organise your ideas and present them well.
Other students with better grammar could learn a lesson from reading this.

[heyun]

Raymott,thank you so much for your reply. I feel I v got some confidents from your comments.

But meanwhile,you said "There are a lot of imperfections in the grammar",,Could you point out just some grammar mistakes that you think are just "terrible"? So that I could learn a lot and next time would pay attention to these mistakes.(or you think it can be expressed in a more shorter and easier way)

Actually,as you pointed out, I have a bad habit of prefer writing VERY LONG and COMPLICATED sentences. I think it's not good for me to get high scores,right?

Also,some other English teachers probably could help me out with my terrible grammar? I m looking forward to your precious suggestion and edits.
Thank you !
--heyun