Would somebody check this essay???? Please??? ----IELTS WRITING TASK 2----Thanks

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Essay

In our society most jobs require workers to have basic communicational and problem solving skills, since enterprises and companies want to have competitive people and to show a high standard in quality. Regarding this, schools give more importance to the fact of speaking a foreign language and developing thinking skills, which I consider convenient for children.

On the one hand, children can learn in the foreign language class to undertand the language and develop communicative skills, which may help a lot when looking for a job, because they will have more possibilities than the other applicants who do not have these skills. On the other hand, mathematics develop in students thinking skills such as problem solving. these are also important even for everyday life when it comes to coping with situations and reacting to them.

However, children are also taught music and art, and they may consider these subjects more interesting than Maths and Language. I used to think that having a talent in music would lead me into great opportunities. But what I found after dedicating a lot of time in my dream was that I should have developed useful skills rather than a hobby. In this sense, these subjects can also be important, but as a matter of personal growth, not to get a job.


In conclussion, I agree with the thought of studying Mathematics and a foreign language beacuse the possibities of getting a job are going to he higher and are going to be taken into account for the applicant’s profile.

Dear Magic Girl:
You seem to have a basic understanding of the writing task. You have expressed several thoughts that relate directly to the question of education and job-seeking.
Here are my suggestions:

Keep in mind that the task is:
1) to discuss whether the study of maths and foreign languages is more likely to help students get good jobs than the study of art and music;
2) to clearly state the degree to which you agree/disagree with the thesis statement; and
3) to give reasons for your opinion and to provide specific examples to support your reasons.

It would be good to make your opinion clear in your first paragraph. Do you agree or disagree?

Next, when you discuss what employers want, give very specific examples. You could name various kinds of jobs (engineering, retail, food service, medicine, etc., etc.) and state clearly how the study of maths and languages will help (or not) people looking for jobs in those fields.

Expand your discussion of our own experience with your musical talent. Be specific! What was your dream? How were you disappointed?

If you give very specific examples that support your point of view, the reader will be better able to understand your reasoning.

All best wishes,

Petra