Please edit & comment on my essay

[S_J]

WHY ARE EXAMINATIONS A NECESSARY EVIL?

When we talk about examinations, we begin to feel anxious and our hands sweat. In fact, examinations provide a sound guideline to every student who works in a systematic way. The results of examinations each year cause a lot of heartbreak to all those students who have failed; yet we must say that examinations are a necessary evil. Why is it so?

First of all, we must undergo examinations to obtain a certificate which is capital for our future and career. Examination in its broadest sense means the testing of knowledge and ability. Since our very young age, we go to school to study and to be educated. Then we have examinations about what we have learnt and I believe that examinations are essential at school levels as they show the results of the performance of both students and teachers.

Furthermore, success is the only motive which student aims at attaining. Examinations often create an atmosphere of competition among students. Without examinations students will not be motivated to study. They will not be serious in their studies and they will not have any reason to go to school. During examinations, everyone does his/her maximum to score higher marks than the others. Sometimes, even the least diligent student starts to revise seriously as the examinations draw near.

Concurrently, examinations are also important for the selection of brighter students to go and study abroad under the government scholarship schemes. Tertiary education costs an awful lot of money and not all students can afford such expenses. Higher studies depend also upon the responsibility of the students to succeed. Due to these factors, the government provides scholarship scheme which will enable students to pursue their higher studies, but only the brightest students will be eligible for the scholarship scheme after passing their examinations with flying colors.

Consequently, those who have not succeeded in their examinations become the dregs of society. They are left unemployed as if they have, never gone to school. The enormous tension, stress and pressure applied by parents on their children concerning examinations are the chief reasons for the rate of adolescent suicide.

Examinations are really the worst things that a student has to face. Examinations cause schooling to be a racecourse where those who win are glorified. The losers can’t be tolerated. This adversely affects youngsters who are continuously exposed to such a philosophy.

Infact, no one loves to have examinations but everyone is proud to come out of them successfully. We cannot thus eliminate them since they form part of the educational world of every student. Examinations still has its place in the education system and will continue to play a prominent role until someday somebody comes up with a better and more merciful mode of assessment.

Please correct & comment on my essay. What is the standard of my English? Is it good, average or below average? Also, what do you suggest me inorder that I can brush up on my English.

Thanking you in advance,

-SJ

[Raymott]

WHY ARE EXAMINATIONS A NECESSARY EVIL?

When we talk about examinations, we begin to feel anxious and our hands sweat. In fact, examinations provide a sound guideline to every student who works in a systematic way. The results of examinations each year cause a lot of heartbreak to all those students who have failed; yet we must say that examinations are a necessary evil. Why is it so?

First of all, we must undergo examinations to obtain a certificate which is capital critical for our future and career. Examination in its broadest sense means the testing of knowledge and ability. Since our a very young age, we go to school to study and to be educated. Then we have examinations about what we have learnt and I believe that examinations are essential at all? school levels as they show the results of the performance of both students and teachers.

Furthermore, success is the only motive which students aim s at attaining.
I'm not sure what the above sentence means. Are you saying that all students have success as a goal, and no student has other goals? Perhaps you should clarify it a little (or delete it).

Examinations often create an atmosphere of competition among students. Without examinations (most?) students will (may?) not be motivated to study.
Some students actually like studying.
They will not be serious in their studies and they will not have any reason to go to school.
Socialising, learning about life, an interest in the world, intellectual stimulation ...
During examinations, everyone does his/her maximum to score higher marks than the others.
No they don't. Some students simply want to pass.
Sometimes, even the least diligent student starts to revise seriously as the examinations draw near.

Concurrently, examinations are also important for the selection of brighter students to go and study abroad under the government scholarship schemes. Tertiary education costs an awful lot of money and not all students can afford such expenses. Higher studies depend also upon the responsibility ability of the students to succeed. Due to these factors, the government provides a scholarship scheme which will enable students to pursue their higher studies, but only the brightest students will be eligible for the scholarship scheme after passing their examinations with flying colors.

Consequently, those who have not succeeded in their examinations become the dregs of society.
"dregs of society" is a pretty emotionally-loaded phrase in English.
They are left unemployed as if they have, never gone to school. The enormous tension, stress and pressure applied by parents on their children concerning examinations are the chief reasons for the rate of adolescent suicide.

Examinations are really the worst things that a student has to face.
You're writing a tremendous number of generalisations that are not necessarily true.
Examinations cause schooling to be a racecourse where those who win are glorified. The losers can’t be tolerated.
This must be a cultural thing.
This adversely affects youngsters who are continuously exposed to such a philosophy.

In fact, no one loves to have examinations but everyone is proud to come out of them successfully. We cannot thus eliminate them since they form part of the educational world of every student. Examinations still has its have their place in the education system and will continue to play a prominent role until someday somebody comes up with a better and more merciful mode of assessment.
------------

Please correct & comment on my essay. What is the standard of my English? Is it good, average or below average? Also, what do you suggest me inorder that I can brush up on my English.

Thanking you in advance,

-SJ

Your English is very good. Your logic could improve.
You seem to be writing about Japan. Exams have nothing like the level of dread for students in Australia - even though a lot of students do hate them. You should probably say which culture's or country's exams you are talking about. In fact I actually enjoy exams.

The main fault in your essay is your absolutism - your over-generalisation.
You apply all of your points to all students. You seem not to bother with words like "most, the majority, many, some". You write as if all students experience the same feelings. This might be interpreted by a marker as being a result of your not having the language techniques to express different gradations of attitudes towards exams by students.
I note you did use "sometimes" once. This is a good start.

[S_J]

Your English is very good. Your logic could improve.
You seem to be writing about Japan. Exams have nothing like the level of dread for students in Australia - even though a lot of students do hate them. You should probably say which culture's or country's exams you are talking about. In fact I actually enjoy exams.

The main fault in your essay is your absolutism - your over-generalisation.
You apply all of your points to all students. You seem not to bother with words like "most, the majority, many, some". You write as if all students experience the same feelings. This might be interpreted by a marker as being a result of your not having the language techniques to express different gradations of attitudes towards exams by students.
I note you did use "sometimes" once. This is a good start.

Sorry for being careless. In fact I was referring to my country(i.e Mauritius).
I'll try to make amends regarding my "logic". Thank you sir for having spared some of your time to correct and comment upon my piece of work.

[chester_100]

Furthermore, success is the only motive which students aim s at attaining.

-Well, maybe, because of the nature of the relative pronouns in English, the above sentence is sort of complicated. Take a look at the following sentence:

-A pianist is a person who plays the piano.

As it is crystal clear, who refers to person, not to pianist.

Similarly, in your sentence, which may refer to motive, not to success. So, it means:
“Students aim at attaining motive,” which seems to explain the very reason why Raymott says: “I'm not sure what the above sentence means”.

Let’s see what we can do:

-I think achieve collocates with success. So, we could say “to achieve success”.
-The sentence has Prominence: there is some emphasis on the word “success”.
The natural sentence is: “the students aim at attaining success which is their only motive”.
We need to observe prominence, if possible, because it is an important psychological factor.
-I found it necessary to add some other words to observe the prominence in the sentence, and I hope the following sentences convey what you intended:

-Success is the only factor the achievement/attainment of which motivates students.
-Achievement in life (success) is the only factor motivating most of the students

Thanks

[Raymott]

Chester:
Similarly, in your sentence, which may refer to motive, not to success. So, it means:
“Students aim at attaining motive,” which seems to explain the very reason why Raymott says: “I'm not sure what the above sentence means”.

Yes, it does explain that.

-Success is the only factor the achievement/attainment of which motivates students.
-Achievement in life (success) is the only factor motivating most of the students

Yes, I agree with the second as a better expression of the OP's intent.

[chester_100]

You may want to make some changes:

Therefore, we have examinations about what we have learnt, and I believe that examinations are essential at school levels, because they show the results of the performance of both students and teachers.

By the way, about in the sentence, seems to be inappropriate here, considering the scientific mood of the text; we may replace it with measuring:

Then we have examinations measuring what we have learnt.

**********************

The enormous tension, stress and pressure applied by parents on their children concerning examinations are the chief reasons for the rate of adolescent suicide.

-Apply doesn’t mean “to force”, or “to exert power” to the extent that I know. Plus, on,as a preposition, doesn’t seem to collocate with apply.

We could say to impose on instead, which means “to make somebody do something inconvenient or something that causes difficulty.

The enormous tension, stress and pressure imposed by parents on their children concerning examinations are the chief reasons for the rate of adolescent suicide.

**********************

In general, I do agree with you, and I believe if the mere purpose of examinations is to serve as a” binary“criterion for passing or failing the students, they (the examinations) should be eliminated.

But, as you said, maybe we have to wait “until someday somebody comes up with a better and more merciful mode of assessment.”

By the way, I like your style, and if you take all the points mentioned by Raymott into consideration, your writing will be even more effective. Don’t forget that the Western culture tends to be skeptical with respect to science. That’s why absolutism doesn’t really work.


Thank you all!

[chester_100]

Chester:
Similarly, in your sentence, which may refer to motive, not to success. So, it means:
“Students aim at attaining motive,” which seems to explain the very reason why Raymott says: “I'm not sure what the above sentence means”.

Yes, it does explain that.

-Success is the only factor the achievement/attainment of which motivates students.
-Achievement in life (success) is the only factor motivating most of the students

Yes, I agree with the second as a better expression of the OP's intent.

Thank you for your confirmation!