[Essay] Can you check this essay for me, please.

[aridvd]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Parents shape their children from children’s beginning lives. Parents too close to their children, they pass on their values and give their interests to them. But they aren’t always the best teacher.
Parents love their children very much. Because of that they force them to do many things which don’t necessary. A teacher may try to take students for camping, but his parents think that is too dangerous. A school may try to take students to another city but one of student’s parents loves their child so much that not allowed them to go.
Parents lived in a time different from their children’s time. Many parents, especially the elder, don’t interest in computer which is very important for their children, so there might be a misunderstanding between them.
Parents may interest in things which are not important for their children. A parent may interest in sport and he wants his child to be participating with a team. But what if his child interests in art? A parent may interest in music and he wants his child to be an artist. But what if his child loves to be a writer?
Parents are valuable for us and we learn many things from them, but they aren’t the only teachers. Fortunately, we learn from our parents, our teachers, books and newspapers, and most of them we learn from our life’s experiences.

[Ann1977]

This is a pretty good effort. The essay stays on topic and is well-organized. The introduction and conclusion are excellent.

The author has mastered the idea of how to go about writing an essay like this.

The transition and orientation stuff is bad, however, and the author should find out more about how to do that.

Its biggest fault is that the reasons given are entirely unconvincing. The author couldn't think of any really good reason to say that parents are not the best teachers, so he shifted the topic slightly to say "parents are not the only teachers."

One way to handle this problem is to announce right in the introduction that your essay is on a slightly different topic from the one assigned: "Parents may or may not be their children's best teachers, but it is best that they are not their only teachers." This is the thesis statement that is closer to the theme the essay actually developed.

Final re-write and edit is a good time to see if the thesis statement needs to be changed.


Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Parents shape their children from children’s beginning lives.
> from the beginning of their lives
Parents shape their children from the beginning of their lives.

Parents too close to their children, they pass on their values and give their interests to them.
> there's no verb in "parents too close"
> there are 2 sentences here, so you need a period between them
They develop their own interests in their children, and pass their values on to them.

But they aren’t always the best teacher.
> "They" is plural, so "teachers" should be plural too.
But they aren't always their children's best teachers.

(new paragraph)
Parents love their children very much.
(this is fine)

Because of that they force them to do many things which don’t necessary.
> Your paragraph is not about forcing the children to do things.
> It is about preventing them from doing things
Because of that, they may place unnecessary restrictions on their children's learning opportunities.

A teacher may try to take students for camping, but his parents think that is too dangerous.
> Say "For example" when you give an example
> Use "may" or "might" rather than imply that this is automatically how parents act
For example, a concerned parent may think it's too dangerous for her child to go camping with the rest of his classmates.

A school may try to take students to another city but one of student’s parents loves their child so much that not allowed them to go.
> the verb is missing
> "that he does not allow her to go"
Or an overprotective parent may refuse to allow his child to go on a class outing to another city.

(new paragraph)
> Now that you are going to change the topic to a new idea, you need some way to tell the reader that you are bringing in something new
Besides being overprotective, parents may not be the best teachers for other reasons.

Parents lived in a time different from their children’s time.
For one thing, parents are from an era that was quite different from the one in which their children are growing up.

Many parents, especially the elder, don’t interest in computer which is very important for their children, so there might be a misunderstanding between them.
> "are not interested" not "don't interest"
Therefore, many parents, especially older ones, are not interested in computers -- which are essential for their children's educations. So there could be conflict or misunderstanding there.

Parents may interest in things which are not important for their children.
> when you change the subject, orient the reader
> "may be interested"
> Your sentence does not match the examples
For another thing, parents may try to push their own interests onto their children without regard for the children's desires or talents.

A parent may interest in sport and he wants his child to be participating with a team. But what if his child interests in art?
> Generally, don't use questions in an essay of this type
A parent interested in sports may try to force his artistic son into joining the soccer team, for example,
(connect this sentence with the next one)

(connect this part to the sentence above)
A parent may interest in music and he wants his child to be an artist. But what if his child loves to be a writer?
or a parent may try to divert his child's interest in writing into his own interest in music.

(new paragraph)
Parents are valuable for us and we learn many things from them, but they aren’t the only teachers.
(this is fine)

Fortunately, we learn from our parents, our teachers, books and newspapers, and most of them we learn from our life’s experiences.
> Add "we can have many teachers."
> Start a new sentence with "We"
> "Most of all" not "most of them"
Fortunately, we can have many teachers. We learn from our parents, our teachers, and our friends. We learn from books and newspapers. But most of all, we learn from life experience.

[aridvd]

thank you, thank you, thank you very much. i will not repeat these mistakes.