[Essay] after-school jobs~ please check my essay

[san2612]

Topic: Should high school students have a job?

In Japan, most parents do not allow their children to have a job after school. It is a good decision as working outside of school has more considerably negative effects than the positive.

Almost every high school students tend to work part time or full time so that they do earn their own money and not feel as dependent upon their parents. Young people often like expensive clothes, shoes or scarves. And they may feel more free and comfortable spending their own money on buying those items. However, having a job is not the only way to earn money. Pupils can get scholarships, bursaries, loan, and other financial aid. For example, a $500 scholarship in Japan is given to each high school students who do well in studying Japanese language and culture. That’s a more appreciative way for students to get money rather than working hard after school and even on the weekend.

Another reason why I agree that students should not have jobs is that it takes time away from schoolwork and family activities. To have a job, students have to balance their work life with their school life, and that can be difficult, especially if their employers require them to work for hours. It makes students feel tired and asleep as they are under stress of working. They may unable to understand teacher’s lessons and finish their homework, which results in their poor school performance.

Working a part-time, or even a full-time job, while attending high school is very difficult. High school students should only concentrate on their study and stop working until they are full-gown enough

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by san2612

Topic: Should high school students have a job?

In Japan, most parents do not allow their children to have a job after school. ...
Almost every high school students tend to work part time or full time

Surely these statements can't both be true?
You've mentioned Japan twice, and no other country, and you start your essay with "In Japan". The reader might reasonably expect that you are writing about Japan. Are you?

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by san2612

Topic: Should high school students have a job?

In Japan, most parents do not allow their children to have a job after school. ...
Almost every high school students tend to work part time or full time

Surely these statements can't both be true?
You've mentioned Japan twice, and no other country, and you start your essay with "In Japan". The reader might reasonably expect that you are writing about Japan. Are you?

[san2612]

Thanks, teacher. I'll correct the mistake

[chester_100]

Originally Posted by san2612

Topic: Should high school students have a job?

In Japan, most parents do not allow their children to have a job after school. It is a good decision, as working outside of school has more considerably negative effects than positive ones.

Almost every high schoolstudent finds a part time or full time job so that he can earn his ownmoney, reducing his dependence upon his parents.
Youngpeople often like expensive clothes, shoes or scarves, and spending their own money on buying such items breeds a sense of comfort and freedom for them.
However, having a job is not the only way to earn money. Pupils can get scholarships, bursaries, loans, and other financial aid. For example, a $500 scholarship in Japan is given to everyhigh school students who does well (gets higher grades)in studying Japanese language and culture. That’s a more appreciative way for students to get money compared to working hard after school and even on the weekend.

Another reason why I agree that students should not have jobs is that they are time-consuming, and as result students may fall behind schoolwork and family activities.
To have a job, students have to balance their work life with their school life, and that can be difficult, especially if their employers require them to work for hours. It makes students feel tired and sleepy/ sluggish as they are under the stress/ strain/ pressure of working. They may become unable to understand teacher’s lessons and finish their homework, which results in their poor school/ class performance.


tudents should only concentrate on their study and stop working until they are gown-up enough

CH