[Essay] Technology in our lives ~please correct my essay

[san2612]

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


Although many people blame technology for destroying nature and causing pollution, and say that it is the worst evil in the world , I still believe that it has greatly changed our lives for the better as we hardly imagine what would happen if we went for a day without technology.

Technology is very popular in our daily life thanks to its advantages. As we know, firstly, technology in household helps people do the housework. For example, housewives do not need to wash manually, but they can use washing machine.

Another reason why I advocate the viewpoint that technology has made the world a better place to live is that it makes the world smaller. Nowadays people can travel faster and easier to other places by car, bus and air-plane, and see many new interesting things around the world. In addition, they communicate with people in different countries through the Internet and phones, which saves them lots of time and money.

But the most worthwhile benefit technology has brought to us is that it makes us healthier and happier. Clear progress in medicine, use new technologies to diagnose and combat diseases make therapy more effective. It allows us to cure serious diseases such as cancer and cardiopathy. Statistics show that life expectancy is getting longer. In Europe, for example, today life expectancy has climbed past 80 and people are glad to be alive; the longer they live in good health, the happier they feel they are.

So, as we go forward into this ‘magical future’, will technology make the world a better place to live? Experts say it will!

[sultanee]

I think there is nothing wrong with this essay

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by san2612

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


Although many people blame technology for destroying nature and causing pollution, and say that it is the worst evil in the world, I still believe that it has greatly changed our lives for the better as we can/could hardly imagine what would happen if we went for a day without technology.

Technology is very popular in our daily life thanks to its advantages. As we know, firstly, technology in the household helps people do the housework. For example, housewives do not need to wash manually, but since they can use the washing machine.
(since/as/because) You're giving the reason they don't have to wash manually. 'But' doesn't do this.

Another reason why I advocate the viewpoint that technology has made the world a better place to live is that it makes the world smaller. Nowadays people can travel faster and easier to other places by car, bus and air-plane, and see many new interesting things around the world. In addition, they communicate with people in different countries through the Internet and phones, which saves them lots of time and money.

But the most worthwhile benefit technology has brought to us is that it makes us healthier and happier. [really?] Clear progress in medicine, use new technologies [The sentence up to here needs revising] to diagnose and combat diseases and make therapy more effective. It allows us to cure serious diseases such as cancer and cardiopathy. Statistics show that life expectancy is getting longer. In Europe, for example, today life expectancy has climbed past 80 and people are glad to be alive; the longer they live in good health, the happier they feel they are.

So, as we go forward into this ‘magical future’, will technology make the world a better place to live? Experts say it will!
This sentence might escape notice by the examiner. But it speaks about the future, which is not strictly the topic.

R.

[pyoung]

Dear san2612:
I enjoyed reading your essay. You clearly have put thought and energy into its creation.
Here are a few comments and suggestions:

Originally Posted by san2612

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


Although many people blame technology for destroying nature and causing pollution, and say that it is the worst evil in the world , I still believe that it has greatly changed our lives for the better as we can hardly imagine what would happen if we went for a day without technology.

It will be good to include a paragraph in which you anticipate the arguments against your position, but I would not include them in the opening paragraph. Instead, it might be better to stick to a positive statement of your thesis.

Technology is very popular (consider using a different word. Whether or not technology is popular is beside the point of your essay.) in our daily life thanks to its advantages. As we know, firstly, technology in the home helps people do the housework. For example, housewives do not need to wash clothes manually; they can use a washing machine.

Another reason why I advocate the viewpoint that technology has made the world a better place to live is that it makes the world smaller. Nowadays, people can travel faster and easier to other places by car, bus and airplane, and see many new and interesting things around the world. In addition, they can communicate with people in different countries through the Internet and by phones, which saves them lots of time and money.

But the most worthwhile benefit technology has brought to us is that it makes us healthier and happier improved health and happiness. Clear progress in medicine, using new technologies to diagnose and combat diseases makes therapy more effective. It allows us to cure serious diseases such as cancer and cardiopathy (heart disease). Statistics show that life expectancy in some parts of the world is getting longer. In Europe, for example, today life expectancy has climbed past 80, and people are glad to be alive; the longer they live in good health, the happier they feel they are.

So, as we go forward into this ‘magical future’, will technology make the world a better place to live? Experts say it will! It would be more effective to conclude with a brief reminder to the reader of your main points. This is not the place to introduce anything new. The future is off topic and your argument is unsupported.

In addition, you may want to clarify what you mean by 'technology.' The shovel was a technological achievement as was the wheel. You may even want to mention that the technology you are discussing (electronic technology for the most part, I think) is only the most recent example of technological evolution and that the harm or benefit of technology rests in the intention of its users.

I hope this is helpful,

Petra

[san2612]

Thanks for your correction.
I've corrected the conclusion. Can you help me to check it?

"Every thing around us was developed by a technological advances. Machines, means of communication and medicines are some areas with an amazing growing in the last ten years. But as well as its benefits, technology can cause harm if it slaves for bad intentions."

[pyoung]

Dear san:

Originally Posted by san2612

Thanks for your correction.
I've corrected the conclusion. Can you help me to check it?

"Every thing around us was developed by a technological advances. Machines, means of communication and medicines are some areas with an amazing growth in the last ten years. (But as well as its benefits, technology can cause harm if it slaves for bad intentions.")Since you are arguing that technology is overall a good thing, you probably don't want to leave your reader with this thought.