please give some comments on my essay!

[vananh90]

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?



For the last two decades, society has seen significant changes in the position of women. Though it might be true that some juvenile-related problems result from the lack of care from their working mother, we should also bear in mind that, women are not the only ones to be blame for such matters.

For one thing, there is no denying the fact that the children whose mothers hold high positions tend to be spoilt rather than others. In reality,these women do not spend much of their time being with their children. Thus,they can not teach or guide them through the difficulties of life which are not sometimes understood by their fathers. Instead, they pamper the children by giving them money or luxuries as a way to compensate for their lack of responsibilities. Consequently, the children are inclined to be spoilt and be slave of comforts while they haven’t been aware of the value of money. Without receive pamper anymore, these children are vulnerable to end in juvenile prisons.

However, looking at the issue from another angle, the juvenile-problems should not be the women’s responsibilities alone. This might depend on other factors such as : the children’s understanding and the role of school as well. For instance, in many families,although the mothers work all day,their children are still good ones. This is due to their consciousness of hardship which their mother have to go through. Beside, schools and teachers play a vital part in educating children to become dignified individuals. What’s more, working mother also contribute to a source of finance which mean that there is more money for luxuries and holiday as well as a secure family life.

All is considered,lack of care from mothers might lead to some problems among young people however this is not considerable. It is the most important that women should balance between family life and working life.

[chester_100]

For the last two decades, society has seen/ undergone significant changes regarding the position of women/ women's status. Although [ better than though in writing and at the beginning of a sentence] it might be true that some juvenile-related problems result from the lack of care from their working mother [ if the children are very young, they may experience "maternal deprivation" which is technical term ] we should also bear in mind that, women are not the only ones to [be is not needed] blame for such matters.

For one thing, there is no denying the fact that the children whose mothers hold high positions tend to be spoilt more than others.

there is no denying: sounds to be good for spoken language; instead you could say: doubtlessly, undoubtedly, undeniably, .... .
By the way, it should be followed by that + sentence: there is no denying that the children .... .

Your theory is not necessarily right. If you have scientific data proving that, you should put it forward.

For another [ your previous sentence starts with "For one thing", so you have to follow the same pattern ], these women do not spend much of their time being with their children. Thus, they can not teach or guide them through the difficulties of life which are not sometimes understood [ understand is strong here; you could write: felt, perceived, sensed, detected] by their fathers. Instead, they pamper the children by giving them money or luxuries as a way to compensate for their lack of responsibilities [they are not irresponsible; they are just too busy to take care of the children all the time] .
Consequently, the children are inclined to be spoilt and be slave of comforts [this view is very strong too; ] while they haven’t been aware of the value of money. Without being pampered anymore, these children are likely to end up in juvenile prisons. [are you really sure of that?]

However, looking at the issue from another angle, the juvenile [no dash here] problems should not only be the women’s responsibilities (= women alone should not be responsible for ....).

This [ what?] might depend on other factors such as : the children’s understanding and the role of school as well. For instance, in many families, although the mothers work all day [ even robots are entitled to take a rest; to work full time sounds better], their children are still good ones(= their families are healthy). This is due to their (the children's) consciousness of the hardship which their mothers have to go through. Beside, schools and teachers play a vital role in educating children to become dignified individuals. What’s more, working mothers also contribute to the source of income, which means that there is more money for luxuries and holidays as well as a secure family life.

All things considered, lack of care from mothers might lead to some problems among youngsters; however, this is not considerable: That (= the fact that) women should strike/ keep a balance between family life and working life is of pivotal importance.
Please, don't forget to put a blank after punctuations; there are some instances in which you've forgotten to do so.

Good luck,

[vananh90]

thank you so much for your comments!
Best wishes!