Please give me some comments about my essay!!!

[Q.trang]

Dear all.
It is my essay for the topic "Brides". Please check it for me. Honestly, I am not confident on it. I think it still has problem on its structure.
I hope to recieve your comments soon.
Thanks :)

"It is said that all women, regardless of culture, age or any standards of beauty, would be elegant ladies on their wedding day. I strongly believe that. Image yourself wearing a long white dress fluttery hand in hand with your man that will be so peacefully romantic. My sister used to tell me that she was deadly happy when falling into my brother in law’s glance on that day. His glance was not reserved for his girlfriend any more; it was for his wife who would enjoy the rest of life with him. It was more cherish and responsible. At that time, she felt something freaking strange in her heart that told her to stick her life to that man and hold the hands for ever. When I looked dubiously on that, she said her feeling is common with other brides and I just can understand if I get married with my Mr. Right. However, on the practical view, we will see many prolix and costly rituals on the wedding day due to Vietnamese culture. It is not only seen as the day of the couple, but also the day of two families to show off. As the result, the bride will definitely exhausted at the end of her important day, or in the worse way, she will be stuck in a big debt with her husband. "

[Raymott]

Dear all.
It is my essay for the topic "Brides". Please check it for me. Honestly, I am not confident on it. I think it still has problem on its structure.
I hope to recieve your comments soon.
Thanks :)

"It is said that all women, regardless of culture, age or any standards of beauty, would ['are, should be'. 'Would' makes no sense without a condition.] be elegant ladies on their wedding day. I strongly believe that. Imagine yourself wearing a long white fluttery dress, hand in hand with your man that will be so peacefully romantic. My sister used to tell me that she was deadly happy when falling into my brother in law’s glance on that day. His glance was not reserved for his girlfriend any more; it was for his wife who would enjoy the rest of her life with him. It was more cherish and responsible.
[Do you mean the glance was more cherished because it was more responsible now that they were married?]
At that time, she felt something freaking [This word doesn't belong. It's a euphemism for "fucking" as an adjective]strange in her heart that told her to stick her life to that man and hold the hands for ever. When I looked dubiously on that, she said her feeling is common with other brides and I just can will only understand if I get married with my Mr. Right. However, on the practical view, we will see many prolix tedious and costly rituals on the wedding day due to Vietnamese culture. It is not only seen as the day of the couple, but also the day for two families to show off. As the a result, the bride will definitely be exhausted at the end of her important day or, in the worse way at worst , she will be stuck in with a big debt with her husband. "

R.

[Q.trang]

"It was more cherish and responsible"

>> I mean, his glance is not only cherish but also responsible.

Thanks for your reply. It hepls me alot :)