I need a opinion on my motivation letter and some help Thanks

[felipe2121]

Hi, everyone


I am fluent in english speaking and writing however I have never been good at expressing my thoughts and motives through writing, below is the task and the motivation letter that I have writen, it would be great if someone could help me out to make this letter better and to get a opinion on the one I already wrote and to make changes as needed. Your help is greatly appreciated.




Task:In the text, please point out:

• give an overview of your objectives and motives to study Business Administration;
• explain why you choose the University of Tartu as a study place;
• describe linkages between your previous studies and/or if relevant also of your work experience and the programme of Business Administration;
• describe your career perspectives after completing the programme of Business Administration;
• provide other relevant information that you consider we should know about you or your studies.

In evaluation, the following criteria will be considered:

• argumentation skills in describing the objectives and motives to study in the programme (max 15 points);
• linkages between earlier studies and/or work experience and the Business Administration programme (max 5 points);
• fluency of written English (max 5 points).

My letter:

TARTU ÜLIKOOL
UNIVERSITY OF TARTU
International Student Service
Ülikooli 18, Tartu 50090
Estonia

January 10, 2010

Dear Sir or Madam:


I am writing to apply for the Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences - Business Administration.


I am motivated to study at the University of Tartu because it will further my career as an investment banker. Aside from that, I chose to apply to the University of Tartu for a few different reasons. The University offers me a specialization module for finance and accounting which would allow me to learn more about my career. I was impressed to find out about the infrastructure of the university more importantly the University of Tartu’s library which happens to be one of the largest research locations in Estonia. I was also reluctant to find out that the University is partnered with several different partner universities in 18 different countries, and it has a high success rate for employment.
In 2005, I completed my secondary education in Las Vegas, NV USA. As a result of my secondary education I began an internship with a prestigious bank. The internship that I was involved with allowed me to gain both communication and financial skills. Currently, I am self-employed as a business owner in the financial services industry. I provide my clients with financial products ranging from insurance to investment tools. The main skill that I have acquired from being self employed is leadership. Throughout my life I have traveled to many different countries with my parents. It has helped me to develop an overall understanding for different cultures; because of this I am fluent in German, Spanish, English and Italian.
After completing the Bachelor of Arts, I plan to continue my education and obtain a Masters Degree in Business Administration. I chose to apply for the Business Administration degree because it is my goal to achieve the theoretical and practical education needed to further my career in the international financial sector.



With the assistance of the University of Tartu, I am confident that the Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences - Business Administration will provide me the knowledge and confidence to realize my dreams.


Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.
Sincerely yours,
Philipp M P.

[Gillnetter]

Dear Sir or Madam:


I am writing to apply for the Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences - Business Administration.

I am motivated to study at the University of Tartu because it will further my career as an investment banker. The university offers a specialization module for finance and accounting which will allow me to learn more about my future career. I was impressed with the infrastructure of the university; most importantly that the University of Tartu’s library is one of the largest research locations in Estonia. I was also pleased to find out that the University has partnered with universities in 18 different countries; and that graduates of the University have a high success rate for employment.

I chose to apply for the Business Administration degree because it is my goal to achieve the theoretical and practical education needed to further my career in the international financial sector. After completing the Bachelor of Arts program, I plan to continue my education and obtain a Masters Degree in business administration.

In 2005, I completed my secondary education in Las Vegas, Nevada in the United States. Following my secondary education, I began an internship with a prestigious bank. The internship allowed me to gain both communication and financial skills.

Currently, I am self-employed as a business owner in the financial services industry. I provide my clients with financial products ranging from insurance to investment tools. The main skill that I have acquired from being self- employed is leadership.

Throughout my life I have traveled to many different countries. Travel has helped me to develop an overall understanding for different cultures. I am fluent in German, Spanish, English and Italian.

With the assistance of the University of Tartu, I am confident that the Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences - Business Administration will provide me the knowledge and confidence to realize my dreams.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,
Philipp M P.

[felipe2121]

Thank you so much for your reply, I kinda thought that paragraphs were short, any more input is greatly appreciated.

[Gillnetter]

Thank you so much for your reply, I kinda thought that paragraphs were short, any more input is greatly appreciated.

The length of a paragraph is a stylistic choice. Since this letter is designed to deliver information to a busy person - I opted to keep it short and to the point. This reflects the type of communications I see and send on a daily basis - might just be an "American thing".