Argent: having, both as, in addition to

[nikkiwu]

Hi Friends and Teachers,

I am currently writing a cover letter and not sure if I am using the correct grammar. The sentence is as following:

Having worked as both a volunteer for IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program, an private math tutor in addition to also taking on a full set of courses, I maintained a high grade point average.

My friend said to me that the logic and grammar are both wrong in the above sentence. And he corrected it as:

I worked both as a volunteer for IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program, an private math tutor, while also taking a full set of courses, and maintained a high grade point average.

I want to emphasis during that particular semester, I had done a lot of different things, but still maintained a very good GPA. I feel like my friend's sentence doesn't emphasis that and it is a little bit wordy.

Can you please give me some advice and help me to rephrase the whole sentence?

Thanks,
Nikki

[1984law]

Hi Friends and Teachers,

I am currently writing a cover letter and not sure if I am using the correct grammar. The sentence is as following:

Having worked as both a volunteer for IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program, an private math tutor in addition to also taking on a full set of courses, I maintained a high grade point average.

My friend said to me that the logic and grammar are both wrong in the above sentence. And he corrected it as:

I worked both as a volunteer for IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program, an private math tutor, while also taking a full set of courses, and maintained a high grade point average.

I want to emphasis during that particular semester, I had done a lot of different things, but still maintained a very good GPA. I feel like my friend's sentence doesn't emphasis that and it is a little bit wordy.

Can you please give me some advice and help me to rephrase the whole sentence?

Thanks,
Nikki

Hi, Nikki,
I get your point and I think I can be of assistance.

I worked both as a volunteer for the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and a private math tutor. At the same time I was also taking a full set of courses and managed to or I was able to maintain a high grade point
average.

Hope sentence meets your approval.

[nikkiwu]

1984law, thank you very much.

I kept thinking about rephrasing my sentence last night and came out a sentence as following " While working as both a volunteer for the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and a private math tutor, in addition to also taking on a full load of courses, I still managed to maintain a high grade point average. "

Does the above sentence sound right? Is there any grammar or punctuation mistake?

Thanks,
Nikki

[ZaraCastle]

1984law, thank you very much.

I kept thinking about rephrasing my sentence last night and came out a sentence as following " While working as both a volunteer for the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and a private math tutor, in addition to also taking on a full load of courses, I still managed to maintain a high grade point average. "

Does the above sentence sound right? Is there any grammar or punctuation mistake?

Thanks,
Nikki

(Not a teacher)
From your sentence, I rephrased it the following:
" While working as both a volunteer for the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and a private math tutor, with taking on a full load of courses, I still managed to maintain a high grade point average."
how do you feel this sentence?