Plz check my toefl essay

[san2612]

Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Grades (marks) encourage students to learn. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Whether grades encourage students to learn or not raises a controversial debate in education system. Some people argue that grades are roots of success which students need to be encouraged to study harder; while others condemn that students can be discouraged by bad marks. From my own perspectives, I agree with the viewpoint that people should abolish the grading system as some reasons mentioned below.

It is believed that kids need to feel success to be encouraged and that nothing breeds success like success. However, what will disadvantaged students feel if they get low scores for a long time? Will they feel being crammed as a failure or loser? Indeed after graduating from high schools, students in my country, Vietnam have to take an exam to be admitted by their desired universities. If they just get below-average grades or fail the exam, they may be disheartened, lose their interest in the subjects and finally give up. It would be awesome!

In some cases, marks can not reflect students’ knowledge. Some lazy students can do corrupt practices and cheats. Meanwhile, some good students can only do their worst on the exam day as they are in physical or mental problems. Grades is only essential when they are used for distinguishing honest students.

In addition, grading can be changed from motivating purpose into competitive purpose. Students can be envious with their peers if they consider grades as a way of evaluating themselves. They become so stressed, feverishly study to overpass others. Those students are known to stay awake till midnight and study only for the exams. It is not really good for them as I think that the better and more pleasant way to achieve success is to compete with themselves rather than others. Grades are not the most important things.

I deem that grade is a real evil in students’ life. Whereas it encourages some students to learn, it discourages the majority of others.

[Raymott]

Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Grades (marks) encourage students to learn. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Whether grades encourage students to learn or not raises a controversial debate in education system. Some people argue that grades are roots of success which students need to be encouraged to study harder; while others condemn are concerned that students can could be discouraged by bad marks. From my own perspectives, I agree with the viewpoint that people authorities should abolish the grading system as for some of the reasons mentioned below.
Try not to use common generic words like 'people' when more specific words are more appropriate.

It is believed that kids children need to feel success to be encouraged and that nothing breeds success like success.
'Children' is better in a formal essay.
However, what will disadvantaged students feel if they get low scores for a long time? Will they feel being crammed [?] as a failure or loser? Indeed after graduating from high schools, students in my country, Vietnam have to take an exam to be admitted by their desired universities. If they just get below-average grades or fail the exam, they may be disheartened, lose their interest in the subjects and finally give up. It would be awesome awful! It would definitely not be 'awesome' as this term is used these days!

In some cases, marks can not reflect students’ knowledge. Some lazy students can do corrupt practices and cheats. Meanwhile, some good students can only do their worst on the exam day as they are in have physical or mental problems. Grades isonly essential when they are used for distinguishing honest students.

In addition, grading can be changed from a motivating purpose into competitive purpose. Students can be envious with of their peers if they consider grades as a way of evaluating themselves. They become so stressed, feverishly study to overpass overtake others. Those students are known to stay awake till midnight and study only for the exams. It is not really good for them as I think that the better and more pleasant way to achieve success is to compete with themselves rather than others. Grades are not the most important things.
The problem with competing with yourself is that you either always win or are always beaten, depending on your viewpoint.

I deem believe that grade is a real evil in students’ life. Whereas it encourages some students to learn, it discourages the majority of others. Is this a fact?
You don't have the necessary authority to 'deem' this. Only people with power can deem things.

I have concentrated on your vocabulary this time.
There are still some grammatical errors.