Can u edit my story completely

Please read it all before stating a opinion!!!

Prologue

Time crawled along its nonstop path.... a young gentleman of mid-east complexion stood upon a pathway made of brick, eyes fixed on his watch. Another minute passed.... his body somewhat twitched as his anticipation started to occupy his entire body like a disease. Sweat dripped like a faucet from his brow. The hour hand on his watch aligned with the number "three", time slowed. The gentleman slowly placed his hand inside his security outfit while light chatter was heard in the background. When his hand was re-exposed it held what appeared to be a homemade cell phone constructed of cheap parts. The man dialed an 800 number, and then it was silent.

Chapter 1

It seemed like a red carpet should appear beneath his feet as the man stepped out of the Humvee which had escorted him here. Although a red carpet did not appear, finely grained sand beneath his feet sparkled in the South Afghanistan heat. The man, about 6’ 2 in posture walked with firm steps over to the officer that had been assigned to greet him upon arrival. The officer of lesser height almost whimpered in the others shadow. The officer immediately saluted and yelled “Captain, welcome to Fort Addams”. The Captain’s slight bristles of hair seemed to vibrate in the heat. After the pair stared at each other for a second, the captain paced away toward a complex nearby. As the man entered the complex made of solid stone, he removed his sunglasses which had previously not allowed him to show expression. There were multiple groups of people sitting at equal tables engaging in small talk about the current situation. The captain walked past the social groups and through a thick steel door into a small lobby. The man walked to the counter and asked the secretary there “Is Col. Roberts ready for my appointment”. The woman simply replied with a nod and motioned for the Captain to continue into the next room.

The man slowly closed the door upon entry as not to create a loud noise. Col. Roberts quickly instructed the man to sit down. The Colonel talking in a stern voice began “I am aware of your actions toward Operation Roast”. The captain simply stared into the Colonels eyes as sweat began to form at his hair line. “Captain Hannan, your attack and murder of two U.S. troops has lead to your sentence of eternity in jail” said the Colonel this time in a deeper voice. The Captain continued to stare into the colonels hostile eyes. “You should find the living conditions suited just for you, shitty.” As a reply to the Colonel’s statement Captain Hannan spat out a small ball of saliva which hit Roberts between the eyes. The two stared into each other’s eyes for a split second before the Colonels fist slid across the Captain’s cheek. The Captain who had been shackled and escorted by two guards the entire time was immediately taken to his cell three miles away from the complex.

As the two guards, both able to kill a man in one punch sat side by side Captain Hannan. The Captain acted as if he had won a bet with a wide grin spread from ear to ear across his face. The awkward silence was broken as the Humvee began to slow as it arrived in front of the Prison. The trio walked into the jail as the Captain held his head high. Hannan stared at every man he spotted until they became out of site. As the group arrived at the Captain’s high security cell, three more guards joined the already group of three. The guards shoved Hannan into the cell, and he started chanting multiple sayings against the military in Arabic. Unluckily for him one of the guards spoke Arabic, and then the Captain received his second punch of the day. This time the murderer was out cold, sprawled out on the floor. When he awoke from his comma like incident, Hannan had a plan, a plan that that would let him complete his destiny.


This is unedited and all criticism is accepted, be specific!

[Gillnetter]

Originally Posted by ant007luke

Please read it all before stating a opinion!!!

Prologue

Time crawled along its nonstop path.... a young gentleman of mid-east complexion stood upon a pathway made of brick, eyes fixed on his watch. Another minute passed.... his body somewhat twitched as his anticipation started to occupy his entire body like a disease. Sweat dripped like a faucet from his brow(Maybe - Sweat dripped like water from a faucet). The hour hand on his watch aligned with the number "three", time slowed. The gentleman slowly placed his hand inside his security outfit (What is a security outfit?) while light chatter was heard in the background. When his hand was re-exposed it held what appeared to be a homemade cell phone constructed of cheap parts. The man dialed an 800 number, and then it was silent.

Chapter 1

It seemed like a red carpet should appear beneath his feet as the man stepped out of the Humvee which had escorted him here. Although a red carpet did not appear, finely grained sand beneath his feet sparkled in the South Afghanistan heat ("Although" leads one to think that something equal should appear. Sand is not equal to a red carpet. Maybe - Instead of a red carpet, finely grained...) . The man, about 6’ 2 in posture, walked with firm steps over to the officer that who had been assigned to greet ("Greet" is not the right word here. A welcome guest is greeted. Maybe "meet".) him upon arrival. The officer of lesser height (Which officer is the smaller one?) almost whimpered ("Whimpered" is to cry) in the others' shadow. The officer immediately saluted and yelled (Why yelled?)“Captain, welcome to Fort Addams”. The captain’s slight bristles of hair seemed to vibrate in the heat. After the pair stared at each other for a second, the captain paced away toward a complex nearby. As the man entered the complex, made of solid stone, he removed his sunglasses which had previously not allowed him to show expression (Sunglasses only cover the eyes, he could still show some expressions). There were multiple groups of people sitting at equal tables engaging in small talk about the current situation. The captain walked past the social groups and through a thick steel door (Sounds like he walked through a steel door) into a small lobby. The man walked to the counter and asked the secretary there “Is Col. Roberts ready for my appointment”. The woman simply replied with a nod and motioned for the captain to continue into the next room.

The man slowly closed the door upon entry so as not to create a loud noise. Col. Roberts quickly instructed the man to sit down. The colonel talking in a stern voice began “I am aware of your actions toward Operation Roast”. The captain simply stared into the colonels eyes as sweat began to form at his hair line. “Captain Hannan, your attack and murder of two U.S. troops has lead to your sentence of eternity in jail” ("eternity" doesn't sound natural. Maybe a lifetime.) said the colonel this time in a deeper voice. The captain continued to stare into the colonel's hostile eyes. “You should find the living conditions suited just for you, shitty.” As a reply to the colonel’s statement Captain Hannan spat out a small ball of saliva which hit Roberts between the eyes. The two stared into each other’s eyes for a split second before the colonels fist slid across the captain’s cheek. The captain who had been shackled and escorted by two guards the entire time was immediately taken to his cell three miles away from the complex.

As the two guards, both able to kill a man in one punch, sat side by side with Captain Hannan. The captain acted as if he had won a bet with as a wide grin spread from ear to ear across his face. The awkward silence was broken as the Humvee began to slow as it arrived in front of the prison. The trio walked into the jail as the captain held his head high. Hannan stared at every man he spotted until they became were out of site. As the group arrived at the captain’s high security cell, three more guards joined the already group of three. The guards shoved Hannan into the cell, and he started chanting multiple sayings against the military in Arabic. Unluckily for him, one of the guards spoke Arabic, and then the captain received his second punch of the day. This time the murderer was out cold, sprawled out on the floor. When he awoke from his comma-like incident, Hannan had a plan, a plan that that would let him complete his destiny.


This is unedited and all criticism is accepted, be specific!

It needs some work. I would like to see more of this story.