Please check my essay

[zayck]

This short essay is for applying scholarship. The title is : What is your career aspiration and what you have done to achieve it?

I have written this essay and read it again and again for a few times.Personally, I don't think this is an impressing essay which is able to outstand me.May i know what shall I add in in order to make it more prominent?

I finally decided my future career prospect when I was 15 years old which is to be a successful chief financial officer ( CFO ), managing the financial risk in a company. In fact, it was an article that inspires me after reading it. Basically, that article is all about a man's background and how much hard work he had paid in order to achieve his dream ,which is to get enrolled in an oversea company, managing its finance. From what i have read, the responsibilities of a CFO is basically about financial planning in order to systematically manage the cash flow of a company to gain profit. Personally, I have a bunch of passion in the field of finance. I love to see the fluctuation of the financial figure while analyzing the factors involved .On top of that, I love economy and that is the main reason causing me to choose to step into the business field instead of continuing in the science stream.

In order to accomplish my goal, I started from household affairs. My dad passed me the responsibility to manage our monthly bills since i was 16 years old. At that time, I was already exposed to accounting and I truly understand the importance of systematic recording. Hence, i started a simple accounting in a notebook whenever i received a bill. An example that I have done to reduce unnecessary expenses is that I have implemented a rule within my family members where we have to jot down the phone number dialed whenever we wanted to make a phone call. Apparently, this rule has successfully reduced our expenses on phone bills.
Academically, I do study accounting and had achieved a high distinction result in my SPM examination. As accounting is the basis of finance, I prefer to have a prior exposure to it in order to build up my fundamental knowledge in it. I truly believe that the basic accounting knowledge i have gained plays a determining role in my future studies.Moreover, I do search on the internet for a better understanding of certain economic theories.

With a will to proceed further, I wish to do my Master in Business Administration in United State after attaining my Bachelor degree. Ultimately, I want to own a worldwide business.

[Gillnetter]

This short essay is for applying scholarship. The title is : What is your career aspiration and what you have done to achieve it?

I have written this essay and read it again and again for a few times.Personally, I don't think this is an impressing essay which is able to outstand me.May i know what shall I add in in order to make it more prominent?

I finally decided on my future career prospect when I was 15 years old. I want to be a successful Chief Financial Officer ( CFO ), managing the financial risk in a company. In fact, it was an article that inspired me after reading it. Basically, that the article is all was about a man's background and how much hard work he had paid done in order to achieve his dream, which is was to get enrolled in an overseas company and managing manage its finances. From what I have read, the responsibilities of a CFO is basically about financial planning in order to systematically manage the cash flow of a company in order to gain profit. Personally, I have a bunch of passion in the field of about finance. I love to see the fluctuation of the financial figures while analyzing the factors involved. On top of that, I love economy economics and that is the main reason causing me to choose to step into the business field instead of continuing in the science stream.

In order to accomplish my goal, I started from with household affairs. My dad passed me the responsibility to manage our monthly bills since i when I was 16 years old. At that time, I was already exposed to accounting and I truly understand understood the importance of systematic recording. Hence, I started a simple accounting in a notebook whenever I received a bill. An example of what that I have done to reduce unnecessary expenses is that I have implemented a rule within my family members where we have to jot down the phone number dialed whenever we wanted to make made a phone call. Apparently, This rule has successfully reduced our expenses on phone bills.
Academically, I do study studied accounting and had achieved a high distinction result in my SPM examination. As accounting is the basis of finance, I prefer to have a prior exposure to it in order to build up my fundamental knowledge in it. I truly believe that the basic accounting knowledge I have gained plays a determining role in my future studies. Moreover, I do search on the Internet for a better understanding of certain economic theories.

With a will to proceed further, I wish to do earn my Master's in Business Administration in the United States after attaining my Bachelor's degree. Ultimately, I want to own a worldwide business.

You should study the various tenses in English.

[zayck]

Thank you very much for your corrections.
May i know what is the way to make an essay attractive regarding this title?