Check my writing

[Adam Cruge]

I started to write. I want you check my writing and rate it. The first few lines I will post today and as you check this and rate it, I will continue posting the rest.

By then stars started to twinkle upon the evening sky and river water was gleaming in the shimmery light of the moon. The silver moon beam was coming clearly through the exiguous opening of the window of the shack.

This is my favourite haunt and this is my favourite time of the year because I can see the full round moon. Every time I come this place I lodge this broken hut. I came out to the lawn with my guitar; this reminds me of my past days that will never come back, never ever! I can still see her keeping me company that night right here right this place. Everything is just the same, the same sky, the same weather, the same moon, same breeze from the same direction but she is missing.

[Gillnetter]

I started to write. I want you check my writing and rate it. The first few lines I will post today and as you check this and rate it, I will continue posting the rest.

By then the stars started to twinkle upon the evening sky and the river water was gleaming in the shimmery light of the moon. The silver moon beams was were coming clearly through the exiguous opening of the window of the shack. (exiguous is quite a word but it is out of place here. I would opt to delete it.)

This is my favourite haunt and this is my favourite time of the year because I can see the full round moon. Every time I come to this place I lodge in this broken hut. I came out to the lawn with my guitar; this reminds me of my past days that will never come back, never ever! I can still see her keeping me company (Friends and relatives keep you company, a woman is with you, by you or near you.)that night right here, right in this place. Everything is just the same, the same sky, the same weather, the same moon, the same breeze from the same direction, but she is missing.

[Adam Cruge]

That night we took shelter in this hut, to save us from the thunder storm and the cold. I didn’t know her from Adam, but our destiny made us come closer. And at the very first sight I fell in love with her. When the rain stopped she told me to come out and see the beauty of the rain soaked sky. She was so lively and so full of life. Her dark hair reached as far as down to her neck rippling and shinning about like a perky cascade. Her black eyes glowing and slinging an incredible sparkle seems to crave to speak a lot. And upon her pearl face a sweet smile always ran across her juicy lips (coz she told the secret: she uses lip gum) which was as red as the petal of rose. Her slender body was an allure of beauty and her clear cut profile was a matter of covetousness for all her envious neighbours.

Next part...Consider the style as well along with other things...

[Gillnetter]

Next part...Consider the style as well along with other things...

That night we took shelter in this hut, to save us from the thunderstorm and the cold. I didn’t know her from Adam, (1) but our destiny made us come closer together. And at the very first sight, I fell in love with her. When the rain stopped she told me to come out and see the beauty of the rain soaked sky (2). She was so lively and so full of life. Her dark hair reached as far as down to her neck, rippling and shinning about like a perky cascade. Her black eyes, glowing and slinging an incredible sparkle, seems seemed to crave to speak a lot. (3) And upon her pearl face, a sweet smile always ran across her juicy lips (coz she told the secret: she uses lip gum) which was were as red as the petals of a rose. Her slender body was an allure of beauty, and her clear cut profile was a matter of covetousness for all her envious neighbours.
(1) This phrase would be used in writing that is not serious and is so overused (trite) as to weaken your writing. "I didn't know her, but our destinies..."
(2) The sky really can't be rain soaked. Rain falls from the sky - it doesn't stay in the sky.
(3) Eyes don't speak. While "slinging" means to throw out, it is not the right word here. Try "emitting".

[tedtmc]

That night we took shelter in this hut, to save us(A) from the thunderstorm and the cold. I didn’t know her from Adam, (1) but our destiny made us come closer together(B). And at the very first sight, I fell in love with her. When the rain stopped she told me to come out and see the beauty of the rain soaked sky (2). She was so lively and so full of life. Her dark hair reached as far as down to her neck, rippling and shinning(C) about like a perky cascade. Her black eyes, glowing and slinging an incredible sparkle, seems seemed to crave to speak a lot. (3) And upon her pearl face, a sweet smile always ran across her juicy lips (coz she told the secret: she uses lip gum) which was were as red as the petals of a rose. Her slender body was an allure of beauty(D), and her clear cut profile was a matter of covetousness(E) for all her envious neighbours.

Some suggestions:

A. take shelter to save us from the thunderstorm

B. our destiny made us come brought us closer together

C. shinning - shining

D. allure of beauty - they are two different things, not 'one of another'

E. her clear cut profile was coveted by all her envious neighbours.

[Tdol]

Her dark hair reached as far as down to her neck

I can't see that this is far enough to justify the description- it seems a normal enough length.