Can anyone give some feedback on my essay
The topic is to express what I think the proper purpose of school should be and support it with my own experiences and then respond to the following statement:
"While school appears to be a place for learning, instead, it indoctrinates us in the special interests of business."
Here is my essay:
And the quotes are from my readings which are not shown here
“Next intersection, turn right”. “You have arrived”. Do these sound familiar? Compare them with the following. “Next semester, take English” and “you have arrived”, a message congratulating me as I complete levels of schools. Yes. These are advices found in a GPS, and similar advices are enclosed in schools. The purpose of schools, similar to a GPS, is to exhibit an ideal path and guide students to their predetermined destination at a cost.
Earl Shorris reveals that the key to success is not to “release” (Shorris 52) the unfortunate ones but to guide them through the “escape route” (Shorris 52). Although different in appearance, schools provide advice and guidance like a GPS. At the beginning of my college year, I had to decide which program I would select. Among all programs, I chose Commerce and Business. I registered this program with all the necessary information. The completed registration located my route I had to persist until I reach my destination. This is equivalent to the “address” function in which the GPS sets a direction after a specific location is inserted.
Before I enrolled in the program, I searched for my “satellite”, or my counselor, to
display and clarify every detail of my route. Then my counselor and I performed a simulation, another GPS function that allows users to see exactly how they will go through each intersection. She recommended courses that were beneficial and which course should be taken before or after another. Like a GPS estimating the time to destination and providing the speed users are travelling, Douglas also displayed my progress by documenting the number of courses I took each semester along with the corresponding GPA. Sometimes I strayed too far from my ideal path by taking courses that I thought were university transferable but were not. Fortunately, I was redirected by my counselor. This mimics how a GPS leads users back to the highlighted route. Needless to say, there is always a cost behind these advices.
“Strapped for money” (Giroux 171), as Henry A. Giroux points out, all institutions must find ways to increase profit and this imparts students, directly or indirectly, the primary interest of businesses: profit. Just as expenses on a GPS is the profit of the company selling the GPS, the school fees, which got heavier, my parents and many others paid each year is the profit of schools. Giroux also mentions the “growing commercialization of school space and curricula” (Giroux 171) and how some schools allow their spaces to be “[i]nvaded by candy manufacturers…and fast food chains” (Giroux 171). These activities are found in my college. I noticed that the David Lam Campus of Douglas had leased its space to Tim Hortons. This is a sign of making profit because the space could be used for educational purposes.
Furthermore, the vending machines sell various brands of food which are not cheap. Fieldtrips are another way of making money. When I was in middle school, my teacher suggested a trip to a ranch. At first I thought I heard that it was only a suggestion, so I decided not to go. However, it turned out to be a mandatory activity which cost $60.
Of course, this is only one purpose of schools and there are many others. Keep in mind that schools only guide students, and whether or not they succeed depends on how well prepared they are to receive the knowledge. Also keep in mind that schools provide students with an ideal path meaning that students are not limited to only one route. Therefore, learn to use this guiding device and appreciate it when it says that final message: “you have arrived”.
Can anyone provide some honest feedback? (meaning if it is really bad tell me why it is bad and some improvements I can make)
Thank you very much.
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