School System in USA(Integrated Essay)

[zahrani3480]

Hi, I wrote this integrated essay when I was practicing TOEFL Exam. I would like someone to correct it and thanks in advance.
Reading stated that the school system in the United States was taken from Europe. Students will be divided into groups based on their ages. Children will start studying at school when they are 6 years old. The system is divided into three grades, primary grade, intermediate grade and high school grade.
The lecturer stated that the system did not take into account the individual differences between students. All of the students will start studying first grade withregardless their maturity. Some students will start learning at age 6 or 7 years while they are not ready due to lack of maturity, mentality or physical readiness. On the other hand, some students will start studying the first grade while they should start studying earlier than 6 years. Moreover, students who did not meet the minimum standard in some lessons, they should repeat the whole lessonswhich in turn affect the students’ performance because they will be bored.
The lecturer concluded that the United States’ school system must be changed to be more flexible and to overcome the weak points that mentioned above and to give interest for students to study.

[Raymott]

Hi, I wrote this integrated essay when I was practicing TOEFL Exam. I would like someone to correct it and thanks in advance.

Reading [What or Who is Reading? You probably need a footnote here] stated that the school system in the United States was taken from Europe. Students will be divided into groups based on their ages. [Why the change to future tense?] Children will start studying at school when they are 6 years old. The system is divided into three grades, primary grade, intermediate grade and high school grade. Why now the present tense?] Three 'sections', or 'levels' might be better, since "grade" already has a meaning, and is equated with a year.
The lecturer [Is Reading the lecturer?] stated that the system did not take into account the individual differences between students. All of the students will start studying first grade with regardless of their maturity. Some students will start learning at age 6 or 7 years while they are not ready due to lack of maturity, mentality or physical readiness. On the other hand, some students will start studying the first grade while they should start studying earlier than 6 years. Moreover, students who did not meet the minimum standard in some lessons, they should repeat the whole lessons which in turn affects the students’ performance, because they will be bored.
[Not sure exactly what you're saying here ]
The lecturer concluded that the United States’ school system must be changed to be more flexible and to overcome the weak points that mentioned above and to provide interest material for students to study.

You can't change from one tense to another without motive. This is the major problem. Ideally, this should have been based on the present tense.
Otherwise it's OK.
What's an integrated essay?

[Gillnetter]

Hi, I wrote this integrated essay when I was practicing TOEFL Exam. I would like someone to correct it and thanks in advance. What is an integrated essay?

Reading stated that the school system in the United States was taken from Europe (taken from is acceptable but "came from" is better.). Students will be are divided into groups based on their ages. Children will start studying at school when they are 6 years old. The system is divided into three grades: the primary grades, the intermediate grades and high school grade.
The lecturer (Is the lecturer Reading?) stated that the system did (did or do?)not take into account the individual differences between students. All of the students will start studying in the first grade withregardless of their maturity. Some students will start learning (People start learning when they are born. I believe that you should write "school".) at age 6 or 7 years while they are not ready due to a lack of maturity, mentality or physical readiness. On the other hand, some students will start studying in the first grade while they should have started studying earlier than 6 years. Moreover, students who did not meet the minimum standard in some lessons they should repeat the whole lessons entire lesson, which, in turn, affects the students’ performance because they will be bored.
The lecturer concluded that the United States’ school system must be changed to be more flexible and to overcome the weak points that are mentioned above and to give interest for students to study make school more interesting.

You use the terms "studying" and "school" as though they were different things. For the purposes of this essay, they are about the same. It is more natural to write, "started school", rather than,"started studying at school." Going to school presupposes that one will study. I believe that you should move the tenses to the present - You write "will" (future) - "students will be divided...". Students are divided now.

[zahrani3480]

Dear Sirs
Really, I am so grateful for the helpful comments that you posted on my essay and I would like to explain for you how the integrated essay exam is. In the integrated essay exam first, I will read a short reading passage within three minutes, then I will hear a lecture about the same topic, the lecturer may agree with points that mentioned in the reading passage or may cast a doubt on them. My task is to write an integrated essay that contains the main points from the reading passage and the lecture; the points may be contradicting or supporting each others. So, when I say “the reading stated” I mean the points that mentioned in the reading part and when I say the lecturer I mean” the man or woman who mentioned the points in the lecture”
The skills that I should I have are paraphrasing, synthesizing and summarizing the points from the reading passage and lecture. However, the checklist for correcting an integrated essay is
ü The essay answers the topic question.
ü Inaccuracies in the content are minor.
ü The essay is direct and well-organized.
ü The sentences are logically connected.
ü Details and examples support the main idea.
ü The writer expresses complete thoughts.
ü A wide range of vocabulary is used.
ü The writer paraphrase in his/her own words.
ü The writer credits the author with wording.
ü Errors in grammar and idioms are minor.
ü The essay within a range of 150-225 words

[Raymott]

Dear Sirs
Really, I am so grateful for the helpful comments that you posted on my essay and I would like to explain for [to] you how what an integrated essay exam is. In the integrated essay exam first, I will read a short reading passage within three minutes, then I will hear a lecture about the same topic. The lecturer may agree with points that are/were mentioned in the reading passage or may cast a doubt on them. My task is to write an integrated essay that contains the main points from the reading passage and the lecture: the points may be contradicting or supporting each others. So, when I say “the reading stated” I mean the points that are/were mentioned in the reading part and when I say the lecturer I mean ”the man or woman who mentioned the points in the lecture”
The skills that I should I have are paraphrasing, synthesizing and summarizing the points from the reading passage and lecture. However, the checklist for correcting an integrated essay is
ü The essay answers the topic question.
ü Inaccuracies in the content are minor.
ü The essay is direct and well-organized.
ü The sentences are logically connected.
ü Details and examples support the main idea.
ü The writer expresses complete thoughts.
ü A wide range of vocabulary is used.
ü The writer paraphrases in his/her own words.
ü The writer credits the author with wording.
ü Errors in grammar and idioms are minor.
ü The essay is within a range of 150-225 words

Thank you, zahrani, for that definition.