Short-essay / paragraph help
I'm a 16-year old student in London who plans to take his GCSE exams June of next year, I had to leave Secondary School due to medical reasons, and I'll be sitting them at a private AQA center.
So I started my English revision and I'd just like some quick advice, how I could improve my work and correct anything that is a little 'er, what?'
The first one is a short-essay I did on Pesticides, I didn't put a lot of effort into it as it was just a quick personal test, I wanted to see what I could write in 30 minutes, I did a tiny bit of research and touched it up.
"Pesticides are one of the many somewhat-silenced problems of society.
Many people do not take into account how lives were decades ago, since the incline of the pesticide things have changed, people's allergies have become more apparent and violent and the tastes of fruits have vastly changed also.
A proven shortage of bees in several parts of the world is keeping the prices of honey higher than usual and the jobs of Bee-keepers harder. Pesticides are scientifically proven to be linked to the decline of bees since the chemicals on plants and flowers carry a very high toxicity to them, many being fatal; such as 'Contact insecticides' which kill by directly contacting an organism.
The chemicals released from thousands of cropdusters spraying millions of acres of fields with pesticides each year also affects the surrounding areas of fruits and water for a long period of time even after they're being sold in the market, many chemicals are permanent. Consequentially this affects people in such a way as allergenic symptoms appearing in people without allergies or a family with a history of allergies, and fruit that is often left tasteless and dry.
Methyl iodide is a very dangerous pesticide which is undergoing permission to be able to be sprayed on strawberry crops in California and Florida, hundreds of millions of children are encouraged to eat fruits; especially strawberries, so imagine what long-term damage this could cause them.
In today's society people are blind to the hazardous risks of chemical exposure; not looking between the lines and noticing the real affect of pesticides, if we do not drastically lower our dependancies on chemicals and try to find another solution, there's no telling what lengths of damage it will do to the environment in the coming years."
A few problems I have found is that the paragraphs don't flow together, it's like I'm making a point, then jumping on to another then another without connecting the two and creating an easily-readable transition.
Alright, phew, and the next one is the answer to a question that pertained to changing the Informalities of it to something more formal, this is what I came up with :
"The storytelling Arthur Miller puts into practice creating the character of Willy Loman triggers empathic and questioning thoughts pertaining to the well-being of working-class citizens in society."
I have never actually read the story in question, so it was a challenge.
Last edited by BlueSamurai; 06-Jul-2010 at 17:13.
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