pls help to correct my ielts practice

[xiaoxiaoca]

Hello friends， this is my first essay(ielts) here ，I would be very grateful if you can give me a mark

More and more young children have mobile phone. Some people say it is a good thing for them, while others say it is a bad thing. What is your opinion?

In recent years, we have seen the number of children who use mobile phone has increased rapidly. Consequently, many adolescents' misbehaviours resulted from mobile phone have been observed. Thus, some people think mobile phone should be kept away from the youth while others who do not consider this to be a serious problem argue that the situation is exaggerated. Personally, I agree with the former view: mobile phone is harmful to children's development, and children should not use mobile phone.

It is claimed by some that children need mobile phone, because they need to contact with their parents, and communicate with their peers. As the argument goes, although children may use the phone to amuse themselves, for instance, playing games, reading books and watching on-line movies, they are doing nothing wrong, and it is claimed that their actions have no damage to the society. However, they have not realized how serious the practical situation is. As Mr. Wang Hao, a well-known professional specialized in adolescents’ behaviors, has written in his paper, according to a survey, 95% of the time children spend on phones is occupied by amusement. That is because children are too immature to discipline themselves. Moreover, a recent study by Tsinghua University revealed great difference between old forms amusement and mobile phone amusement. The conclusion of the study is that mobile phone amusement is too attractive and luring for the youth to resist, even adults. Furthermore, according to a recent poll in Shanghai’s junior schools, 80% of the children who have poor academic performance are those who use mobile phones. The statistics indicate mobile phone has a bad effect on children's learning, which in fact decides their future.

Another demerit for mobile phones is they emit microwave radiations every minute, which is also proved harmful for youngsters. For example, some students usually feel tired after play phones, and some long-term users look older than their real age is. That is to say, mobile phone is exerting a negative effect on children's physical development.

In conclusion, we should deny the children’s access to mobile phone, which will hurt them mentally and physically. In some families where parents are too busy to fetch the children at school, I suggest they equip their children with some kind of old phones, which contain no games and videos.

[xiaoxiaoca]

Hi，dear friends,
I am new here,
I think I must disobey some rules or have something wrong in my submiting styles, or the essay should have been corrected.
pls point out !many thanks.my friends.

[Gillnetter]

Hello friends， this is my first essay(ielts) here ，I would be very grateful if you can give me a mark

More and more young children have mobile phone. Some people say it is a good thing for them, while others say it is a bad thing. What is your opinion?

In recent years, we have seen the number of children who use mobile phone (Either use "a mobile phone", or, "mobile phones".) has increased rapidly. Consequently, many adolescents' misbehaviours that have resulted from using a mobile phone have been observed. Thus, some people think mobile phones should be kept away from the youth young while others, who do not consider this to be a serious problem, argue that the situation is exaggerated. Personally, I agree with the former view: mobile phones is are harmful to children's development, and children should not use mobile phones.

It is claimed by some that children need mobile phones, because they need to contact with their parents, and communicate with their peers. As the argument goes, although children may use the phone to amuse themselves, for instance, playing games, reading books and watching on-line movies, they are doing nothing wrong, and it is claimed that their actions have no damage to the society. However, they have not realized how serious the practical situation is. As Mr. Wang Hao, a well-known professional specialized in adolescents’ behaviors, has written in his paper, according to a survey, 95% of the time children spend on phones is occupied by amusement (if you are going to quote a research paper, name the paper). That is because children are too immature to discipline themselves. Moreover, a recent study by Tsinghua University revealed a great difference between old forms of amusement and mobile phone amusement. The conclusion of the study is that mobile phone amusement is too attractive and alluring for the youth young to resist, even adults are attracted by mobile phones. Furthermore, according to a recent poll in Shanghai’s junior schools, 80% of the children who have poor academic performance are those who use mobile phones. The statistics indicate that mobile phones has have a bad effect on children's learning, which, in fact, decides their future.

Another demerit for mobile phones is they emit microwave radiations every minute, which is has also proved harmful for youngsters. For example, some students usually feel tired after playing with phones, and some long-term users look older than their real age is. That is to say, mobile phones is are exerting a negative effect on children's physical development.

In conclusion, we should deny the children’s access to mobile phones, which because these phones will hurt them both mentally and physically. In some families, where parents are too busy to fetch the children at school, I suggest they equip their children with some kind of old phones, which contain no games and videos.

This was written very well. You need to study the way that articles are used in English. I struck out "youth" and subsituted "young" because "young" is more natural sounding.

[xiaoxiaoca]

thank you for your kind help!
I think I have to refer to the grammar book
to study the article usage.