Why deciding to go to school (Essay control)

[dlwnmbg]

Hey,
i'm studying for an english proficiency exam in my university. Im gonna be charged of writing an essay in this exam. Would u like to help?
Here is the first essay i wrote. I'm waiting for comments.

Essay Topic: People attend school for many different reasons (for example, expanded knowledge, societral awareness, and enhanced interpersonal relationships). Why do you think people decide to go to school? Use spesific reasons and examples to support your answer.



Why Deciding To Go To School

People attend school for several reasons for many years all over the world. It would be hard to claim that there is only one reason for that.

Why going to school depends on the goals that people want to achieve in their lifes. The first and the most important reason of that people go to school is to have a good job. Most of the people need to work to earn their lifes. Not only does graduating from university ease to find a decent job, but also it eases to be successful in it.


Whether to go to school or not is a though-provoking question, if we dont have financial problems and dont plan to work in our later lifes. It goes without saying that schools are the main areas that we can find academic and expanded knowledge. Therefore that people might want to learn more about what they are interested in via schools is another remarkable reason .

One final reason to decide to go to school is to have social relationships. But the notion that to have social environment is the only reason for people to go to school is untenable. To enhance relationships is a benefit of going to school beside the main purpose.

Taking into account all these factors mentioned above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that we cant name a spesific reason on why people choose to go to schoool. It changes from one person to another.

[emsr2d2]

Hey,
I'm studying for an English proficiency exam in at my university. I'm gonna going to be charged of with writing an essay in this exam. (I prefer "I will have to write an essay for this exam.") Would you like to help?

Here is the first essay I wrote. I'm waiting for comments.

Essay Topic: People attend school for many different reasons (for example, to expanded their knowledge, societral social awareness and enhanced interpersonal relationships). Why do you think people decide to go to school? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.



Why People Decideing To Go To School

People all over the world attend school for several many different reasons for many years all over the world. It would be hard to claim that there is only one reason for that.

Why people going to school depends on the goals that people they want to achieve in their lives. The first and the most important reason of that people go to school is to have get a good job. Most of the people need to work to earn their lifes a living. Not only does graduating from university make it ease easier to find a decent job, but it also it eases makes it easier to be successful in it.

Whether to go to school or not is a thought-provoking question, if we don't want to have financial problems and don't plan to work in our later lives life. It goes without saying that schools are the main areas that where we can find expand ouracademic and expanded knowledge. Therefore, that people might want going to school simply to learn more about what they people are interested in via schools is another remarkable (I don't think "remarkable" is the best word here) reason .

One final reason to decide to go to school is to have social relationships. But However, the notion that to havea social environment is the only reason for people to go to school is untenable. To Enhancing relationships is a benefit of going to school beside but it is not the main purpose.

Taking into account all these factors mentioned above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that we cannot name a spesific one single reason on why people choose to go to schoool. It changes from one person to another.

See above.

I have a question - when you say "school", do you mean college/university etc? In most countries, it is obligatory to go to school from around the age of five and up to, in some countries, about sixteen. I think your topic is probably related more to continuing/further education (usually university) than what I would call school.

[Namrata Arora]

Hey emsr, you have corrected the essay very well.
Dlwn, I'd like to comment on the organization of text. There are certain exams that also test how well you can support your stance in English if it's an English test like IELTS. You have explained all the three though not in different body paragraphs.
You could explain the three options- enhance Knowledge, social awareness and interpersonal relations in a single para. Pick up one of these or take a new reason and explain it in detail in the next body para.

Alternatively, describe these three points in three separate body paragraphs with each para based on just one main point.

I hope you are getting what I am pointing at. I teach on a website called wiziq.com where in my IELTS classes or the IELTS Online Practice test, I show how to make these paragraphs on separate themes.
Best of Luck!

[dlwnmbg]

See above.

I have a question - when you say "school", do you mean college/university etc? In most countries, it is obligatory to go to school from around the age of five and up to, in some countries, about sixteen. I think your topic is probably related more to continuing/further education (usually university) than what I would call school.

Thank you for your correction of my essay. The essay topic was asked in a TOEFL test. Actually i didn't understand what it's meant by "school". As you said, primary school is compulsory in almost every country. The reason why we go to primary or secondary school is obviously that it's obligatory. So i wrote as if it's about further education.

[dlwnmbg]

Hey emsr, you have corrected the essay very well.
Dlwn, I'd like to comment on the organization of text. There are certain exams that also test how well you can support your stance in English if it's an English test like IELTS. You have explained all the three though not in different body paragraphs.
You could explain the three options- enhance Knowledge, social awareness and interpersonal relations in a single para. Pick up one of these or take a new reason and explain it in detail in the next body para.

Alternatively, describe these three points in three separate body paragraphs with each para based on just one main point.

I hope you are getting what I am pointing at. I teach on a website called wiziq.com where in my IELTS classes or the IELTS Online Practice test, I show how to make these paragraphs on separate themes.
Best of Luck!

Thank you for your respond Namrata. I've been just registered this website.
I couldn't quite get what you mean. You wrote that "You have explained all the three though not in different body paragraphs.". But i've explained all in different tree paragraphs.
Which one is truer? To explain the three idea in three different paragraph or to write them together in one paragraph? As i read so far about how to write a good essay, the first one is truer. Is it wrong?

[Namrata Arora]

Hey dlwnmbg, just saw your post.
The first one is the most common- writing three separate points in three different paragraphs. You have formed three body paragraphs.
Have a look:
"Why going to school depends on the goals that people want to achieve in their lifes. The first and the most important reason of that people go to school is to have a good job. Most of the people need to work to earn their lifes. Not only does graduating from university ease to find a decent job, but also it eases to be successful in it.
Whether to go to school or not is a though-provoking question, if we dont have financial problems and dont plan to work in our later lifes. It goes without saying that schools are the main areas that we can find academic and expanded knowledge. Therefore that people might want to learn more about what they are interested in via schools is another remarkable reason."

The theme of the first body paragraphs seems to be 'job/ earnings'. This has been fully elaborated in the first body para. But, in the next para, the theme is 'knowledge', and you haven't stated sufficient sentences to support this reason. I hope you understand now!

Nice to know you registered on wiziq. You can also join my upcoming classes.