The Train Compartment - Part Three

[Bassim]

Please, could you proofread the third part of my short story:

This morning was the first working week after the summer holidays and everyone was full of energy and beautiful memories from the distant places where they had been able to unwind and do things which they could only dream about in their everyday lives. Somewhere in Spain, Greece, Italy or France, they could have drank as much as they wanted, exchanged dozens of sexual partners, smoked inside an airport and insulted a police officer.

However, returning home, they were returning to their “real” personalities and their “old” inhibitions which were going to be with them to the end of their lives. It seemed to me that everyone had travelled somewhere; everyone experienced something interesting and beautiful, except me who stayed at home, because I have promised to pay for my aunt’s false teeth who begged me to fulfil her wish, because she did not want to die toothless, believing that after her death everyone would laugh at the mention of her name and her ugly empty mouth.

She was my only living aunt and although I knew that she had not had much to live, I had no other choice but to send her money and sacrifice my holiday. At least I had done my duty and had a clear conscience.
The train was crowded as usual and I walked up and down searching for a vacant seat. I had almost lost hope to find any when my eyes noticed a vacant seat beside the door. There were already five passengers inside, three younger women who sat beside each other and two middle-aged men opposite them. Luckily one seat was still vacant and I was glad to be able to rest my body while at the same time having in front of me three beautiful women.

The weather was still warm and they were dressed lightly. They wore short skirts over their sunburnt shapely legs and they had sandals on their feet. The two men were dressed more smartly: dazzling white shirts, dark ties and dark trousers, while their dark jackets hang on the coat hooks. They each had their laptops on their laps and they were so occupied with their work that they hardly gave me a glance.

I sat down silently and opened my notebook in which I would usually write verses which I knew were never going to be published, but at least, I could unburden my mind and alleviate my pain. That was simpler and cheaper than talking to a psychiatrist and gulping pills. I glanced at the window hoping that the passing landscape would give me some inspiration, when my eyes were inevitably drawn to the three females. In the last years I had been living like a monk and that meant that I had almost forgotten how it felt kissing or hugging a woman’s body. My all previous love affairs had ended in a disaster and I had understood that I belonged to the vulnerable group of people who should live alone and not expose themselves to the cruel games which the other humans liked to indulge themselves in.

My passion was so strong that I would scare off any woman who came in the closer contact with me. Already after the first date the majority of them would disappear and never call me back.

Soon I became tired of my all defeats and decided to keep myself away from them and their tempting bodies. However, that was a difficult task, because they were everywhere and I could not walk the street for a few minutes before my sexual organ registered their presence, forcing me to use the power of my will not to think of the pleasure which I had been missing.

To be continued.

[Gillnetter]

Please, could you proofread the third part of my short story:

This morning was the first working day of the week after the summer holidays and everyone was full of energy and beautiful memories from the distant places where they had been able to unwind and do things which they could only dream about in their everyday lives. Somewhere in Spain, Greece, Italy or France, they could have drank as much as they wanted, exchanged dozens of sexual partners, smoked inside an airport and insulted a police officer.

However, returning home, they were returning to their “real” personalities and their “old” inhibitions which were going to be with them to the end of their lives. It seemed to me that everyone had travelled somewhere; everyone experienced something interesting and beautiful, except me who stayed at home, because I have promised to pay for my aunt’s false teeth who begged me to fulfil her wish, because she did not want to die toothless, believing that after her death everyone would laugh at the mention of her name and her ugly empty mouth.

She was my only living aunt and although I knew that she had not had much longer to live, I had no other choice but to send her the money and sacrifice my holiday. At least I had done my duty and had a clear conscience.
The train was crowded as usual and I walked up and down searching for a vacant seat. I had almost lost hope to find any when my eyes noticed a vacant seat beside the door. There were already five passengers inside, three younger women who sat beside each other and two middle-aged men opposite them. Luckily, one seat was still vacant and I was glad to be able to rest my body while at the same time having in front of me three beautiful women.

The weather was still warm and they were dressed lightly. They wore short skirts over their sunburnt shapely legs and they had sandals on their feet. The two men were dressed more smartly: dazzling white shirts, dark ties and dark trousers, while their dark jackets hang hung on the coat hooks. They each had their laptops on their laps and they were so occupied with their work that they hardly gave me a glance.

I sat down silently and opened my notebook in which I would usually write verses which I knew were never going to be published, but at least, I could unburden my mind and alleviate my pain. That was simpler and cheaper than talking to a psychiatrist and gulping pills (gulping is out of context for this story. Your protagonist is a well educated person and probably would not use such a word.). I glanced at the window hoping that the passing landscape would give me some inspiration, when my eyes were inevitably drawn to the three females. In the last years I had been living like a monk and that meant that I had almost forgotten how it felt kissing or hugging a woman’s body. My all All of my previous love affairs had ended in a disaster and I had understood (Either, "I came to understand", or, "I understood").that I belonged to the ("that" would work better)vulnerable group of people who should live alone and not expose themselves to the cruel games which the other humans (other humans is fine but a bit out of context. How about, "...other people?")liked to indulge themselves in.

My passion was so strong that I would scare off any woman who came in the closer close contact with me. Already after the first date the majority of them would disappear and never call me back.

Soon, I became tired of my all defeats and decided to keep myself away from them and their tempting bodies. However, that was a difficult task, because they were everywhere and I could not walk the street for a few minutes before my sexual organ registered their presence, forcing me to use the power of my will not to think of the pleasure which I had been missing.

To be continued.

Gil